tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16718747212131587632012-01-27T16:43:20.899+10:30Reviews of Guy N. Smith novels, exploitation films and other detritus scraped from the bottom of the pop culture barrel.Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.comBlogger3041100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-67709949334717197382011-10-12T22:09:00.000+10:302011-10-12T22:09:00.757+10:30

Someone done woke The DragonThose hoping to see the continuing adventures of Jake Raye may be disappointed to discover that Bloodfist III: Forced to Fight has absolutely nothing to do with the first two movies apart from Don "The Dragon" Wilson (World Kickboxing Assocation World Light Heavyweight Champion). It was originally intended to be released under the title Forced to Fight but the first

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-23857022024977247832011-10-07T21:51:00.002+10:302011-10-07T21:51:00.605+10:30

No shotguns allowed, Don! You're destroyingthe sanctity of this brutal deathmatch!Apparently after winning the Red Fist tournament Jake (Don "The Dragon" Wilson, World Kickboxing Association Light Heavyweight World Champion) returned to America and became a professional kickboxer. I guess he got over that whole missing kidney thing. During his championship bout he accidentally kills his opponent

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-55329292022447398452011-10-02T21:50:00.003+10:302011-10-03T10:18:33.357+10:30

Blood? Check. Fists? Check.Roger Corman isn't one to sit idly by while a popular cinematic fad runs it's course, and Bloodfist was his attempt to cash-in on the recent success of kickboxing movies, Van Damme's Bloodsport being the most obvious influence. I would have liked to be in on the meeting where they decided on the title. "Blood... fist?" "Sure, why not? Let's go get hammered." Bloodsport

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-22013012202918889012011-09-13T22:08:00.000+09:302011-09-13T22:08:00.097+09:30

I haven't read any Guy N. Smith novels in a while, so you know what that means. Time for me to go on Sabatical...In the Sabat novels Guy N. Smith attempted to create a memorable lead character that could sustain an ongoing adventure series. Let's face it, Professor Cliff Davenport may be the world's sexiest megacarcinologist, but even the giant crabs tend to outshine him in the personality

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-6723142888193431042011-08-30T19:52:00.000+09:302011-09-02T19:53:40.945+09:30

It's a high-octane, white knuckle thrill ride!   It was clear from the prologue that I was going to have a few problems with this movie. The opening scene features a subtitle that reads "Bucharest, Romania", which is rarely a good sign, followed by a nonsensical voiceover that is clearly not Seagal. Then there is a gunfight with Tony-Scott-on-PCP editing that goes way beyond any hope of

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-79255341307077760262011-08-25T21:26:00.003+09:302011-08-26T09:00:53.943+09:30

Seagal will fuck you up ugly In a strange coincidence I received DVDs for both A Dangerous Man and A Serious Man in the mail on the same day, which left me with a difficult decision to make. One Coen brothers' black comedy about a Jewish physics professor struggling with his faith. One DTV action film where Steven Seagal kicks Chinese dudes in the junk. A difficult choice for any cinephile,

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-117758574456472612011-08-22T22:00:00.000+09:302011-08-22T22:00:03.244+09:30

Yee-haw! I've fallen a few movies behind in my On-Deadly-Ground-style spiritual odyssey through the DTV ouvre of Mr Steven Seagal. This one had been sitting on my DVD queue for some time, but I hadn't felt compelled to review it since the two subsequent films (A Dangerous Man and Born to Raise Hell) were still MIA. A year or two later and the Region 4 DVDs have lazily flopped onto Australian

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-73034668406778674682011-08-19T21:44:00.003+09:302011-08-20T15:11:55.356+09:30

It's been a couple of years since the events of Rage and Honor. Kris Fairchild (Cynthia Rothrock) has made the baffling career move from schoolteacher to CIA agent and Preston Michaels (Richard Norton) is still on the run from the bogus murder charges he was framed with in the first film. Kind of a bummer that Kris didn't do more to clear his name after all they'd been through together, but I

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-25777839227914692262011-05-03T23:06:00.000+09:302011-05-03T23:06:00.229+09:30

I can't go on like this.Your hair... it's too awesome.This film is one of a number of Cynthia Rothrock/Richard Norton team-up films that came out in the early 90s. Rothrock plays a school teacher named Kris Fairchild, who spends her evenings teaching underpriveleged kids "the art of martial science". Richard Norton plays Preston Michaels, a cop on transfer from Australia plus part time

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-33265891563348891852011-04-27T22:22:00.005+09:302011-04-28T12:43:40.439+09:30

If there were any doubt before, let this movie stand as conclusive proof that I don't know what the fuck I am talking about. Back in my Iron Man 2 review, I said that this was the one part of the Avengers franchise most likely to go tits up. Kenny Branagh has never had great success as a commercial director and Thor's outsized universe of Norse space-gods seems like the kind of Silver Age

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-12032619008126339592011-04-11T23:13:00.000+09:302011-04-11T23:13:00.976+09:30

I really liked the beautiful, dialogue-free opening sequence of this film, which shows the chain of tragic events that lead to Baby Doll (Emily Browning) being committed to a mental institution by her evil stepfather and a crooked orderly (Oscar Isaac). As I've explained in other reviews, I'm a sucker for gothic, spooky mental institutions, so I was a little disappointed when it turns out that

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-35488584293042234152011-03-20T22:15:00.000+10:302011-03-20T22:15:00.704+10:30

Sammo Hung, pushing 60 and still kicking ass.Shame on you, Seagal.Ip Man was a pretty great kung fu film and a big international success, so it's not surprising that they made both a sequel and a (Donnie-Yen-less) prequel. The sequel picks up a few years after the first film, with Ip Man and his family packing up their shit and moving to Hong Kong, where Ip Man hopes to open up a kung fu school

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-39954358982375706812011-03-15T22:29:00.001+10:302011-03-15T22:29:00.238+10:30

They may take our lives,but they will never take our eyeliner!It's pretty clear by now that Marshall is perfectly happy making genre flicks that are heavily influenced (or in the case of Doomsday, brazenly plagiarised) from the beloved films of his youth, but a certain running theme is beginning to stick out at me. I think Neil Marshall might hate Scottish people. First you had Dog Soldiers,

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-3849487064164995992011-02-16T22:41:00.002+10:302011-02-16T22:41:00.472+10:30

Natalie Portman plays a dancer in a New York City ballet company. The director selects her for the challenging lead role in a new production of Swan Lake (real original, guy), a dual role that requires her to play both the innocent White Swan and the more seductive Black Swan. While her icily perfect technique makes her ideal for the White Swan role, he remains unconvinced that she has the

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-40695498247323084462011-02-12T22:23:00.004+10:302011-02-16T16:21:35.004+10:30

It would have been cool if he had agun that shoots machetesSorry everyone, I guess I'm partly to blame for Machete flopping. I could blame it on hype burnout or the mediocre reviews or having to wait three fucking months for it to arrive in Australian cinemas, but really I just never got around to it. Mea culpa. Really though, did anyone expect it to do well? A feature length version of a

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-42963063583754711422011-02-10T22:18:00.000+10:302011-02-10T22:18:00.512+10:30

I bet he regrets wearing whiteI like all the Sam Peckinpah films I've seen, but somehow this one slipped me by until now. I even tricked my wife into watching it with me by telling her it's not a Western, which is technically true. She got a bit suspicious during the opening scene, which has guys in hats riding around a Mexican villa on horseback, but after the villa's owner gives the titular

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-77430267191631960002011-02-06T22:17:00.000+10:302011-02-06T22:17:00.562+10:30

They grow up so fast.I don't know who was clamouring for a follow-up to Bert I. Gordon's killer rat flick Food of the Gods, especially 13 years after the fact. It wasn't me. Was it you? Whoever it was, they'll probably be disappointed since this film has virtually nothing to do with the first one and even less to do with the H.G. Wells book from which it derives it's name. These days you'd give

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-84474069842257133662011-02-04T22:23:00.000+10:302011-02-04T22:23:00.322+10:30

The Coens have claimed that this is a straight adaptation of the book rather than a remake of the 1969 version. It probably does hew a little closer to the book than the original, but that still sounds like damage control. John Wayne casts such a long shadow over the Western genre that it's hard not to see this film and compare it to the original. They had to justify it to all the fans, like the

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-42150693595119180942011-02-04T22:09:00.000+10:302011-02-04T22:09:00.267+10:30

Santa has something to stick in your stockingYeah, I know this would have been more appropriate to post around Christmas, but I'm afraid I has a period of holiday lethargy in mid December that managed to stretch right on through January too. I guess I could save this review until next Christmas, but fuck it.Silent Night, Deadly Night attracted a lot of controversy due to it's depiction of a

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-85384056255020141592010-12-13T22:05:00.007+10:302010-12-14T09:07:21.172+10:30

...ratsFrom the 50s through to the mid 80s, Bert I. Gordon wrote, directed and/or produced over twenty horror and sci-fi flicks, including Empire of the Ants, Village of the Giants, War of the Colossal Beast etc. He did a lot of films about giant animals going on murderous rampages, a prediliction which earned him the nickname Mr B.I.G. I'd assume he had some sort of Napoleon complex and that

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-62452678867166822672010-12-10T21:59:00.000+10:302010-12-10T21:59:00.399+10:30

Don't you hate those assholes who leave theirhalloween decorations out until Christmas?After the box-office busting Halloween and the pretty decent follow-up Halloween II, John Carpenter decided that they'd taken the story of Michael Myers as far as it could go. Halloween III: Season of the Witch, directed by Carpenter's frequent collaborator Tommy Lee Wallace, was intended to reboot the

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-252909282234521972010-12-07T23:23:00.001+10:302010-12-07T23:23:00.743+10:30

Like a lot of people, I scoffed when I heard that David Fincher was going to direct Facebook: The Movie starring the poor man's Michael Cera. Clearly I was selling a lot of people short, because as it turns out it's actually a pretty good movie. It's based on a book that I haven't read and I have no idea how much of it is true, but when the results are this entertaining I don't really give a

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-35266285013738350212010-12-04T22:00:00.000+10:302010-12-04T22:00:00.244+10:30

Cheeky!Let me tell you a little bit about Alexander Pearce. He was an Irish convict who was shipped off to a penal colony in Van Diemen's Land, now Tasmania. He escaped, and when he was captured he claimed he had cannibalised his fellow escapees. They didn't believe him, but when he escaped for a second time he was recaptured with bits of his partner-in-crime in his pocket, even though he

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-28291279290586822652010-12-01T21:42:00.001+10:302010-12-01T21:42:00.764+10:30

Well, at least you didn't lick itI have a truly massive backlog of reviews to get through, but first I'd like to drop a few word-bombs about Frozen. I will also warn you that this post features bigger spoilers than an Asian kid's Honda Civic, so if you have any interest in seeing this film at all, close your browser and go and watch it. It's okay, I'll wait. Or maybe I'll just skip to

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-58863523837294419652010-10-25T22:18:00.001+10:302010-10-25T23:16:04.618+10:30

You should see him handle a wet towelIn the fourth and final film in the Best of the Best saga, Tommy Lee (writer/director/producer Phillip Rhee) once again takes center stage. It appears he's given up on the life of a wandering hero since the events of Best of the Best 3: No Turning Back, and in the intervening three years he has gotten married (not to Gina Gershnon), had a daughter, become a

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-12770329450581195872010-10-15T22:26:00.001+10:302010-10-15T22:26:00.785+10:30

What does that clown think he's doing?In Best of the Best 3: No Turning Back, the series made the leap to direct-to-video and Robert Radler handed over directorial control to series producer Phillip Rhee. None of the cast members return save for Rhee himself, whose character Tommy Lee graduates to a starring role. It's actually quite a refreshing change, as the need for a Caucasian star in the

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-48209021077796740582010-10-11T22:05:00.000+10:302010-10-11T22:05:00.538+10:30

This is the last thing a "creep" ever sees.Even though I'm a huge liberal softie, I really enjoy vigilante films. It's so cathartic to see some poor guy get the better of a broken judicial system by delivering justice to criminal scumbags one .45 slug at a time. They appeal to the worst in all of us by insinuating that a reduction in the crime rate is simply a matter of blowing away as many

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-62738187035449648982010-10-01T21:31:00.001+09:302010-10-01T21:31:00.659+09:30

After numerous injuries, Porcupine Wrestlingwas removed from the sports program. Stop me if you've heard this one. A young couple, Seth (Paolo Costanzo) and Polly (Jill Wagner), are headed into the woods for a romantic camping holiday when they are car-jacked by an escaped felon Dennis (Shea Wigham) and his meth-head girlfriend Lacey (Rachel Kerbs). After they stop to change a flat tire, the

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-7155153990952137392010-09-25T21:36:00.001+09:302010-09-25T21:36:00.654+09:30

Brakus cunningly uses his shiny codpieceto distract the enemyAfter Best of the Best passed the test, I figured I might as well watch the rest of the Best of the Bests, and this was the last theatrical release before the series was banished into direct-to-video pergatory. They managed to get back the same director (Robert Radler) and much of the original cast, including Eric Roberts, Chris Penn

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-10917240615749223012010-09-13T21:33:00.004+09:302010-09-13T21:33:00.500+09:30

I thought this film was actually called Pirahna 3D, sticking to the formula of the third entry in a horror series being in 3D, but apparently it's just called Piranha and it's a sort-of-remake of Joe Dante's 1978 original. Like that film it's about (spoiler) killer piranha being let loose on a popular tourist destination, but thankfully they've ditched the played-out military experiment angle

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-77591787384781327642010-09-12T22:05:00.000+09:302010-09-12T22:05:00.179+09:30

Sally Kirkland assures Eric Roberts that "There is no pain."Easy for you to say, lady.I got this film (and it's sequel) in one of those cheap boxed sets of martial arts flicks, but it stands out amongst the others in that it's more like a real movie, with a cast of recognisable actors and a script that's more about human drama rather than kicking people in the face. It's actually more of an

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-19135569741160891942010-09-07T22:16:00.001+09:302010-09-08T08:36:24.324+09:30

Who brought the lemon butter?I have a weird amount of affection for the Night of the Crabs series of books by Guy N. Smith. They are trashy and not particularly well written, but they are full of sex and violence and giant crabs and sometimes that's enough. It's prime source material for an entertaining monster movie, but the only film adaptation of the series that I have heard of is this one,

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-90697105379776295142010-09-05T21:38:00.000+09:302010-09-05T21:38:00.588+09:30

Satan's Snowdrop is another entry in the rich tradition of flower-themed horror, which includes The Devil's Daisy, Beelzebub's Buttercup and other titles I just made up. I'm not sure what Smith had in mind when he named this book after the humble galanthus nivalis, but to be fair the main source of the horror is not really a killer flower but instead La Massion des Fleurs, a mysterious mansion

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-28456492616723242822010-09-03T21:53:00.002+09:302010-09-03T21:53:00.579+09:30

Once in a while a film will come along that captures the imagination of a nation. Sometimes it will be about the power of a child's imagination, or the triumph of the human spirit against impossible odds. Sometimes, just sometimes, it's the story of a crazy German surgeon who wants to (spoiler) stitch three tourists together ass-to-mouth in order to create a human centipede. Seriously, I don't

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-87204724497800339512010-09-01T22:27:00.002+09:302010-09-02T08:52:04.003+09:30

Hopefully he won't have to open a door or somethingCybertracker 2, or as I call it, C2: Adjudication Day, takes place several years after the events of Cybertracker, long enough for Eric Phillips (Don "The Dragon" Wilson) to grow a luxurious mane of hair. He is still working for the Secret Service, but now he's working undercover for some reason, and as the film opens he's in the middle of a

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-60409542817827106322010-08-29T21:59:00.000+09:302010-08-29T21:59:00.289+09:30

Scott Pilgrim is a 23 year old Canadian slacker who spends all day playing old video games when he isn't playing bass in a shitty band. I guess you could call him a hipster, although that word has been abused so much that I don't even know what it means anymore. He is dating a 17 year old girl named Knives Chau, although she is all but forgotten when he becomes obsessed with a mysterious

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-64844096966867085782010-08-14T16:51:00.010+09:302010-08-17T22:21:16.412+09:30

I'm not going to insult your intelligence by explaining the cast or premise of The Expendables. If you have fond memories of the same 80s action movies that I do, then you probably already know about it and have been gritting your teeth in anticipation of it's release, but I guess that's part of the problem. Any film that trades so heavily in nostalgia is bound to raise expectations to

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-41015660139591977352010-08-04T22:11:00.002+09:302010-08-04T22:11:00.091+09:30

Cybertracker is a film that dares to ask the question:What if the Terminator was Robocop?In Cybertracker, Don "The Dragon" Wilson takes a break from pumping out Bloodfist films and teams up with Ring of Fire cinematographer Richard Pepin to dabble in a slightly different genre; one with lots of towering glass skyscrapers, hugely powerful corporations with generic names like Cybercore and lots of

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-32380537546861670902010-07-29T21:30:00.000+09:302010-07-29T21:30:03.225+09:30

Dolor keeps his pimp hand strongI was really impressed with Undisputed 2: Last Man Standing, a direct-to-DVD sequel to a Wesley Snipes film that was way better than it had any right to be. It starred Michael Jai White, so I was predisposed to like it anyway, but it's surprising quality really comes down to the one-two punch of director Isaac Florentine and his high-kicking frequent collaborator

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-6206021065702696552010-07-25T21:47:00.001+09:302010-07-26T10:03:42.124+09:30

You know, everyone uses that shot of Keitel pointing his gun at thecamera, so instead here he is jerking off in front of some teenage girls.When I first heard that Herzog was directing a remake of Bad Lieutenant starring Nicholas Cage, I thought it was a great idea; the perfect synthesis of Herzog weirdness and Cage's ludicrous overacting. In the end it wasn't quite as crazy as I was expecting,

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-6053335133832612232010-07-23T21:53:00.001+09:302010-07-23T21:53:00.181+09:30

It's been a pretty dismal year for blockbuster films, so I had all my hopes pinned on this one. Usually that ends with me curled up in the corner and sobbing uncontrollably about the state of modern cinema, but it paid off this time with an original, masterfully-crafted blockbuster that doesn't treat the audience like a bunch of drooling babies. Looks like Nolan is becoming the go-to guy for

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-56247387565368916372010-07-16T22:28:00.002+09:302010-07-16T22:33:33.844+09:30

Nazi experiments to create the ultimate "three-legged race"contestant didn't go as well as anticipatedLike Bruno Mattei's twin Nazisploitation efforts SS Girls and Women's Camp 119, Sergio Garrone shot this one back-to-back with SS Experiment Love Camp. It recycles the same actors, sets, costumes etc, but unlike Mattei's films it doesn't try as hard to establish a different identity for each film

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-58392649424407687892010-07-13T21:53:00.004+09:302010-07-13T21:53:00.053+09:30

I didn't have high hopes for this one. I know Robert Rodriguez was involved, and we all love him, but Aliens Vs Predator and AVP2: Requiem took a healthy dump on both franchises and dug the predator series into such a pit that it may never fully recover. Therefore, I don't want it to seem like I'm damning with faint praise when I say that Predators exceeded my expectations. It's not perfect,

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-48211858092110131992010-07-11T21:56:00.006+09:302010-07-13T19:39:52.762+09:30

Whipped cream bikini contest!This film is one of a couple of Nazisploitation films directed by Sergio Garrone. It gained notoriety when it was banned as a video nasty, mainly due to it's lurid cover art, but to be honest they needn't have bothered. It's in poor taste certainly, in fact the opening scene is a couple of naked women being electrocuted until they swear alliegance to the Führer,

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-45133813903550886992010-07-09T21:40:00.004+09:302010-07-13T19:39:36.641+09:30

On laundry day there was only one machine that didn't makean annoying rattle. Sometimes things got ugly.Bruno Mattei wasn't above much, certainly not using the sets, actors and costumes from one film to punch out another film on the cheap. He did this many times during his career (e.g. Violence in a Women's Prison versus Women's Prison Massacre, Caligula and Messalina versus Caligula

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-11485723193854503152010-07-05T21:50:00.003+09:302010-07-06T08:48:27.899+09:30

My diagnosis? Terminal homoeroticism.My major complaint with the first Ring of Fire film is that it was a little light on the action, but you certainly can't make that claim about the sequel. The movie starts with a violent jewellery store robbery, a fistfight, multiple gunfights, a car chase and a big explosion, and that's just in the first five minutes! Dr Johnny Wu is in the store at the

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-85998524580922081312010-07-01T21:57:00.000+09:302010-07-02T10:06:17.106+09:30

I would totally watch a stage production ofPhantom of the Opera starring Don "The Dragon" WilsonAfter watching Ring of Fire 3: Lion's Strike, I had a hankering to track down the previous two adventures of Don "The Dragon" Wilson as Dr. Johnny Wu. I like the idea of a hero who can both kick asses and heal them, something that crops up regularly in traditional Chinese kung fu films but only very

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-15552536553426051462010-06-29T22:47:00.002+09:302010-07-10T16:05:51.442+09:30

Om nom nomComing straight off the heels of Emanuelle and Last Cannibals, Joe D'Amato took a break from softcore porn and punched out this sporadically entertaining if grim action flick. It takes it's cues from the cynical men-on-a-mission films of the era (The Wild Geese was clearly a big influence; one of the characters even notes "You were at eachother's throats like wild geese!") and it

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-79223965822934597972010-06-24T21:29:00.004+09:302010-06-24T21:29:00.692+09:30

Moustache bros for life!With a name like Blastfighter, and the presence of 2019: After the Fall of New York luminaries George Eastman and Michael Sopkiw, it should come as no surprise that this film was originally intended to be a sci-fi action flick. Unfortunately budgetary constraints necessitated a change in genre and Dardano Sacchetti was called in to knock out another one of his

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-54115442394175070212010-06-22T21:14:00.001+09:302010-06-22T21:14:00.210+09:30

Who wants a drumstick?I only ever knew Jack Hill from his Pam Grier blaxploitation films like Coffy or Foxy Brown, but a lot of horror buffs are big fans of this one; Spider Baby, or The Maddest Story Ever Told. It was filmed in 1964 under the name Cannibal Orgy, but due to financial issues it sat on a shelf for several years until it was rushed out the door as the B-film in a double feature.

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-47053967329510005142010-06-15T21:54:00.001+09:302010-06-15T21:54:00.431+09:30

Have you ever been watching Errol Flynn swashbuckling his way across the screen in The Adventures of Robin Hood and thought to yourself "Gee, this is a pretty good story, but it's too fun. If only there was a movie about Robin Hood that was less colourful, maybe a bit more drab and plodding." I haven't, but I guess Ridley Scott has. Being a post-Gladiator Ridley Scott film, this one has the

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-24028102347247158092010-06-07T22:21:00.000+09:302010-06-07T22:21:00.863+09:30

So, it looks like Megan Fox has been dumped from the Transformers franchise, after confirming to the press that Michael Bay is the thundering asshat that we all knew he was. Poor Megan Fox. Bay is a capricious and vengeful God; He giveth acting careers and He taketh them away. In the light of that news, what better time to review her 2009 Diablo-Cody-penned horror-comedy flop Jennifer's Body?

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-35838194803364531802010-06-04T21:57:00.005+09:302010-06-04T21:57:00.750+09:30

Don't worry. You won't be needing that for this film.After watching Isaac Florentine's direct-to-DVD movie Ninja, I decided to check out it's big(ger)-budget Hollywood equivalent, James McTeigue's indirect-to-DVD movie Ninja Assassin. It's interesting how differently the two films approach the same subject matter. In Ninja, the titular assassins are highly-skilled martial artists, but still

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-49058888527989023502010-06-02T22:15:00.002+09:302010-06-02T22:15:00.626+09:30

Hot ninja-on-ninja action!Back the 80s, it seemed like an action hero couldn't get anything done without running into a bunch of ninjas. Ninjas everywhere. Damn ninjas. Thanks to hucksters like Godfrey Ho and the commodification and pussification that accompanies any fad, the market became oversaturated and the public suffered from ninja-fatigue. Kind of like zombies today. With the ongoing

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-87317369488468512672010-05-28T22:15:00.007+09:302010-05-28T22:15:00.320+09:30

Dubious historical accuracy.Since I reviewed SS Girls, Bruno Mattei's highly entertaining exercise in Nazisploitation, I figured I might as well review the film it shamelessly rips-off, Tinto Brass's 1976 classic Salon Kitty. This film tends to get overshadowed by the infamy of Brass's subsequent epic disaster Caligula, but it's a fairly interesting and influential film in it's own right. Like

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-32412950526253282822010-05-26T22:06:00.003+09:302010-05-26T22:06:00.736+09:30

"Freeze! Fashion Police!"Man, this film is cheap, even by the standards of Italian post-apocalyptic films. It's directed by Vanio Amici under Umberto Lenzi's ocassional pseudonym Bob Collins, so sometimes it's misattributed to Lenzi. This is Amici's only film as director although he was editor on some infamous trash like Troll 2 and Black Demons. I guess his editing skills were put to good

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-88798693796363265132010-05-18T22:07:00.000+09:302010-05-18T22:07:00.248+09:30

Brian Cox: badassAs a dog owner, I can really get behind the idea of a vigilante seeking revenge over the death of his dog, but there aren't too many movies like that out there. Sure, there's Mad Max 2, but I'm pretty sure the revenge was split 50/50 between his dog and his car. There's The Brave One, but that film dealt with lesser crime of dognapping and I'm pretty sure her fiance being

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-56012117785337239192010-05-03T21:57:00.001+09:302010-05-03T21:57:00.204+09:30

The Blue Beetle movie took a few libertieswith the costume.I heard this film being compared to Kick-Ass and that it did the real-life superhero thing a lot better, so I thought I'd check it out. It's directed by Ernesto Diaz Espinoza and stars Marko Zaror, a Chilean duo who previously teamed up for the martial arts film Killtro. Zaror is also due to fight opposite Scott Adkins in Undisputed 3 (

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-38594344549423525042010-04-30T21:48:00.002+09:302010-04-30T21:48:00.188+09:30

Although it got crushed under the wheels of the The Dark Knight Juggernaut (hey, two comic book references in one), I thought Iron Man was one of the best comic book movies to come out in a while. The Dark Knight showed you could make a Serious Movie out of comic book source material, but Iron Man showed you could make a fun, light-hearted comic book film and still have it be... you know... good

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-54153232318261309642010-04-28T21:57:00.000+09:302010-04-28T21:53:40.488+09:30

I thought I'd finally check out this arthouse horror film from Lars Von Trier. It's always interesting to see a Serious Filmmaker have a crack at a genre film. If you think this film might not be arty enough for your tastes though, don't be alarmed. There's a black-and-white prologue (ding!) that's shot entirely in slow motion (ding!) and scored by classical music (ding!). Also, there's

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-33670303538681057922010-04-24T22:13:00.000+09:302010-04-23T10:33:18.430+09:30

So, 10 years after the debut of Planetary, 24 years after Watchmen and almost 50 years after Marvel introduced it's blend of superheroics and everyday melodrama, someone has finally decided to ask "What if super-heroes existed in the real world?" I know, finally, right? To be fair though, atlhough Millar has touted his comic book Kick-Ass as a superhero deconstruction, it really isn't, and

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-30440663671956813172010-04-16T22:42:00.005+09:302010-04-16T22:42:00.570+09:30

The many emotions of Bone.How awesome is Michael Jai White? Don't bother answering, because clearly the answer is so awesome. Ever since I saw him in Undisputed 2 and that scene that they cut out of Kill Bill Vol. 2 (even though it was totally sweet) I knew he was going to be big. Still, when I heard that he was starring in an underground fighting movie with a bunch of MMA guys I wasn't super

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-79401134450410817102010-04-14T21:51:00.002+09:302010-04-14T21:51:01.026+09:30

This is K-ZMB, all zombie radio.More brains, less talk.I never thought I'd reach a point where I'd be completely sick of zombies and yet here we are. Thanks, internet. Still, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed Zombieland and Dead Snow, so I guess I'm still open to a zombie movie or two. As long as it's good. I'd heard a lot of good things about this particular low-budget Canadian horror

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-30667645084329958652010-04-12T22:49:00.003+09:302010-04-13T08:27:46.199+09:30

A typical frame of Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein GirlThis is another film from the director of Tokyo Gore Police, Yoshihiro Nishimura, and if you've seen that film (or even read the title) then you've probably got a pretty good idea of what to expect from this one. Here he teams up with Naoyuki Tomomatsu (the director of high-school satire/zombie flick Stacy) to create a supernatural

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-5603839046458480002010-04-05T23:18:00.000+09:302010-04-05T23:18:00.597+09:30

Even a Nazi biker rape scene can be renderedhilarious through the addition of heart-print boxersA lot of people, myself especially, tend to romanticise the exploitation films of the late 70s/early 80s. Generally they were bait-and-switch routines that preyed on the public's unquenchable thirst for blood and tits. Even the best of them fail to live up to the promise of their often-awesome

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-62542532302773601882010-04-01T22:34:00.004+10:302010-04-01T22:34:00.045+10:30

There was a lot of backlash surrounding this movie's Best Picture nomination, so I thought I'd check it out. It's also didn't hurt that it was written/directed by Jason Reitman, and I liked Thankyou For Smoking and Juno. Yeah, I liked Juno motherfucker, you want to make something of it? After watching this one I can see why people think it's not Best Picture material (not based on a book, no

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-87828162867724067522010-03-30T22:05:00.005+10:302010-03-30T22:05:00.392+10:30

Grandpa's got a gun!What's up with the subtitle to this film? There aren't any lions, nor any super-powerful secret martial arts moves that go by that name. I feel cheated. Maybe it's explained in the first two Ring of Fire films, which according to my extensive research (five minutes on imdb) are a legitimate series with continuity and everything. This is a welcome change from Don "The

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-73128881713564665002010-03-28T21:42:00.003+10:302010-03-28T21:42:00.495+10:30

This is what happens when you stifle your sneezes.Body Melt is directed by Phillip Brophy, best known for his experimental music group → ↑ → (which I guess explains the weird techno soundtrack) and Salt, Saliva, Sperm and Sweat, an experimental short film that is centered around various bodily fluids. I guess a crazy splatter film like this was a fairly natural fit. I bet this guy gets sick of

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-78816681787716614132010-03-26T22:08:00.001+10:302010-03-26T18:49:42.727+10:30

Gives new meaning to the term "shoe tree"Although I'm not as hard on Eli Roth as a lot of people, I wasn't hugely impressed with his directorial debut Cabin Fever. I didn't hate it, but I don't remember much about it except that the characters were unlikeable and incredibly annoying. Luckily he doesn't have anything to do with the sequel Cabin Fever 2: Spring Break. The only reason I picked it

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-27906896790265146252010-03-24T21:12:00.000+10:302010-03-24T21:13:08.742+10:30

Flex somewhere else, man. You'remessing up the reception.This Direct-to-Video actioner revolves around two cops, Johnny (Steven Vincent Leigh) and his partner Alan (Jeff Pruitt). The two of them are martial arts enthusiasts, as demonstrated during an aborted convenience store robbery where they deliver some high-kicking beatdowns to stick-wielding street thugs. On their off-time they give

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-68125407236920862732010-03-12T22:12:00.001+10:302010-03-12T22:12:00.729+10:30

"Help! My hands are caught in my sleevesand I've spilt pasta sauce everywhere."Turkey Shoot (aka Escape 2000 aka Blood Camp Thatcher) is another Australian genre film made for international markets, which means it's got a lot of blood, tits and explosions. It's produced by Antony I. Ginnane (duh) and directed by Brian Trenchard-Smith (The Man From Hong Kong) both of whom have a lot experience

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-16081152063946895072010-03-09T22:04:00.003+10:302010-03-09T22:04:00.540+10:30

Law Abiding Citizen is one of those films that uses our thirst for revenge-based entertainment against us. It sets up a Death Wish type scenario in which an everyman's family is killed, but his revenge goes well beyond what most people would consider reasonable. For instance he murders the guy who killed his family (reasonable) by subjecting him to hours of brutal torture (less reasonable) and

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-58599594909376759302010-03-07T22:13:00.001+10:302010-03-07T22:13:00.808+10:30

Huuuuugs...Having a kid in a horror film is a bad sign. They are dumb and they are lousy in a fight, but you know they are going to survive because the filmmakers usually lack the balls to kill them off. Instant tension deflation. This one of the reasons I like the "killer kid" subgenre. Here kids can get shot, stabbed, beaten, you name it. All bets are off. There's also something

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-45887428192757271752010-03-03T22:23:00.000+10:302010-03-03T22:25:00.108+10:30

The Executioner demonstrates proper gun safetyThere's an amusing part in the 1980 vigilante film The Exterminator where Christopher George flubs his line during a phone call, almost calling the titular Vietnam-vet-turned-crime-fighting-vigilante "the Executioner" before quickly correcting himself. The producers of this film must have been paying attention to that scene, because they decided to

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-69184288675719410762010-02-27T22:21:00.001+10:302010-03-01T20:46:26.651+10:30

I've got to say, I was really looking forward to this one. With Twilight girlifying vampires and the internet ruining zombies for everybody, werewolves have yet to be fucked over by popular culture (Teen Wolf Too aside). The trailer made it look great, a modern twist on the classic Universal movie with a gothic atmosphere and an awesome cast, but I became more wary as details of the troubled

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-14999397329311493802010-02-25T21:32:00.003+10:302010-02-25T21:32:00.209+10:30

The Marine films are united by their love of muscularmen leaping away from explosions in slow motionJust when I thought I was done with WWE Films, they pull me back in, and with a DTV sequel to 2006's The Marine no less. It's a sequel in name only, linked only by the protagonist's occupation (Marine), the kidnapped-wife plot, the copious amount of fiery explosions and an acting-deficient

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-48015916747433904332010-02-23T22:42:00.005+10:302010-02-23T22:42:00.303+10:30

Look, I like DiCaprio. I think it's nice that Martin Scorcese took a chance on a guy who was still known as "that kid from Titanic" and single-handedly revived his career. Seriously though, someone needs to talk to Scorcese about his Leo addiction. At first it was great, there was a sudden rush of creativity and Scorcese started producing some of his finest work in years. Soon, however, it

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-675498248088697892010-02-21T22:07:00.000+10:302010-02-21T22:07:00.544+10:30

"Bella, how many times to I have to walk right up to youand tell you to stay away from me before you'll listen?"I was shocked at how bad Twilight was. It was poorly written and it's characters were vile, but for me it's biggest crime was that it was so boring. I don't think I've ever read a book that's so determined to avoid exploring any of the concepts it raises. It dodges interesting ideas

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-17838936946624777312010-02-19T22:36:00.000+10:302010-02-19T22:36:00.548+10:30

"This just in... Tokyo is under attack by a40 foot Orson Welles. Hide your frozen peas!"From reading my blog it might appear that all I watch are obscure exploitation films, but that's not the case. Believe it or not, I also like to watch adult films for grownups, entertainment that can be legitimately called "film" and watched and enjoyed by people with fully developed brains. One kind of

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-20598727847671711422010-02-11T21:51:00.012+10:302010-02-11T21:51:00.667+10:30

Emanuelle doing what she does best.It's time to dive back into the sordid world of Italian cannibal films, this time a Joe D'Amato-helmed helping of sleaze with the gorgeous Laura Gemser playing the world's pre-eminent Emmanuelle knock-off; note the single 'm' in the name, a dead giveaway. I think I've talked about the Emmanuelle films already, but briefly they were a series of French erotic

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-44443029981819532252010-02-09T22:00:00.002+10:302010-02-21T11:03:29.970+10:30

Too subtle. More swastikas.Nazisploitation is a sub-genre that polarises even the most ardent lovers of sleaze. I must admit, although a steady diet of exploitation films has left me an empty shell of a man, this is one form of 'sploitation that still leaves me feeling a little icky inside. Born out of the women-in-prison genre, it sprung up in the wake of two highly-influential films.

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-56587633740952107072010-02-02T21:03:00.001+10:302010-02-02T21:03:00.714+10:30

Best coat or bestest coat?Okay, I guess the hot streak couldn't last forever. For a while there it seemed like every Australian genre film I picked up was solid gold, or at least gold plated. All the pieces were there for this one too: Produced by Anthony Ginane; written by Chris and Everett De Roche; and directed by Simon Wincer (who also made the interesting but flawed Harlequin) but somehow

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-59075867310552378962010-01-30T20:22:00.004+10:302010-01-31T14:14:52.661+10:30

I tend not to write game reviews for a number of reasons. Firstly, game reviews are time critical and I'm usually months, if not years behind the curve. Secondly, my feelings tend not to stray too far from popular opinion. For example, Uncharted 2? Pretty awesome. I wish I could be a fierce video game iconoclast and say "Uncharted 2? More like UnFARTed POO!" but no, I thought it was super

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-50810937914455382142010-01-28T21:20:00.000+10:302010-01-28T21:20:00.439+10:30

"Sorry kid, Reese's Pieces give me gas."I'm going to be honest here. I don't really like E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial all that much. Yeah, I know it's really well made and that all the kids give amazing, naturalistic performances and one of them says "penis breath" (at least until Spielberg's guns-to-walkie-talkies wussification). My parents took me to see it at the drive-in when I was a kid

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-29630245575549930972010-01-25T21:45:00.003+10:302010-01-26T22:28:02.186+10:30

A Vietnam vet deals with a bloodsucking parasite(he also burns some leeches)This film was directed by Michele Massimo Tarantini, here credited under his Anglocised pseudonym Michael E. Lemick, and although it's also known as Cannibal Ferox 2, it has little to do with the grisly cannibal cycle of the 70s and 80s. Sure, it has cannibals in it, but it's more of a fun jungle adventure flick and more

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-82101028160171822882010-01-22T21:32:00.001+10:302010-01-22T21:32:00.355+10:30

It only gets more messed up from here.Tokyo Gore Police is the follow-up film from the dudes who brought us The Machine Girl, a gory romp about a schoolgirl with a machine gun for an arm. That film was pretty nuts, but this one kicks it in the dick. It has so much blood and gore it makes Ricky-Oh: The Story of Ricky look like A Triumph of the Heart: The Ricky Bell Story. It has so much

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-34460764643529585062010-01-18T21:45:00.001+10:302010-01-22T16:48:21.097+10:30

Nice melons!Eaten Alive, not to be confused with Tobe Hooper's 1977 film of the same name, is one of Umberto Lenzi's three entries into the Italian cannibal cycle. It's fair to say that Lenzi kicked off the subgenre with 1972's Deep River Savages and pushed it further than the viewing public were able to stomach with 1982's Cannibal Ferox. Eaten Alive is like the awkward middle child, neither

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-75187453313493101422010-01-16T22:51:00.000+10:302010-01-16T22:51:00.268+10:30

"To responsible drinking!"When Cannon films decided to make a sequel to the gritty 1980 vigilante film The Exterminator, I'm pretty sure they had only glanced at the box cover. It features a guy (the Exterminator, I guess) in a motorcycle helmet brandishing a flamethrower. It's a cool image, but it's a little misleading. He only uses a flamethrower in one scene (he doesn't even torch anyone)

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-12814103832212494922010-01-14T21:42:00.001+10:302010-01-14T21:42:00.171+10:30

Dragons with rocket launchers! So awesome.That dragon on the right is like: "Can you believe this shit?!" Dragon Wars is a Korean film, but the American cast and locations make it clear that it was tailor-made for international distribution. It's budget was purportedly 75 million, making it the most expensive Korean film of all time. Although it was a hit in it's native country, it was a major

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-15731306149788793862010-01-12T21:27:00.004+10:302010-01-14T14:42:55.934+10:30

I never thought I'd see a glistening, shirtlessLeslie Neilsen... except in my dreamsSo much of the global warming literature focuses around animals as victims. Fish going belly up due to rising sea temperatures. Polar bears clinging desperately to melting ice floes. Dogs dying in hot cars. Boo hoo, lets all pity the poor, helpless animals. They seem to ignore the far more terrifying

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-89504055442067631772010-01-10T21:09:00.001+10:302010-01-10T21:09:00.348+10:30

Compensating for something?When I saw the title to this film I assumed it was about a corporate lawyer dealing with the vagaries of intellectual property legislation. Turns out it's about some kung fu guy. What a rip off. This is one of those big-budget period kung fu biopics and although I've never heard of the subject he was apparently the first guy to start openingly teaching Wing Chun kung

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-17347675841250305082010-01-08T21:43:00.001+10:302010-01-09T09:48:30.695+10:30

You know, they really shouldn't make meatgrinders that big. It's just asking for trouble.KA-BOOM! That's how The Exterminator starts. No title screen, no establishing shot, the very first frame is a man being flung through the air by a fiery explosion. This is a movie that doesn't fuck around. It seems we're stuck in the middle of a Vietnam flashback, and soon a trio of American soldiers find

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-47103103084358076502010-01-01T10:55:00.001+10:302010-01-22T11:22:14.478+10:30

When I saw the trailer for this film I laughed and laughed. The editing, the explosions, the slow motion martial arts; it was pretty much a perfect parody of a Hollywood adaptation. Add that to the phrase "Directed by Guy Ritchie", and the whole enterprise seems tailor-made to make Sir Arthur Conan-Doyle fans go apoplectic. I didn't really want to see it all that bad but a few months later I

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-89246972807932311512009-12-25T08:55:00.009+10:302009-12-27T14:30:21.359+10:30

Oh hey, it's Chewie's wife and - OH JESUS,WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!The internet is a funny thing. It wasn't so long ago that acquiring certain entertainment meant soliciting fat, neckbearded weirdos in their dank underground lairs. For the right price they would put a bootleg VHS cassette into your sweaty, trembling hands, and then you could go home, draw the blinds and enjoy the illicit material

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-54647009543055592712009-12-23T21:13:00.005+10:302009-12-24T10:58:34.616+10:30

I would watch a movie just about this guy.I didn't hate Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds, but something about it rubbed me the wrong way. It was so aggressively juvenile, like a prepubescent boy screaming obscenities over XBox Live. Even the subtitle seemed to be tailor-made to get a "dur hur hur" out of the kind of guys who think Family Guy is hilarious because "dude, it's so wrong." I hoped that the

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-88591411929248769072009-12-20T21:16:00.007+10:302009-12-21T12:48:35.302+10:30

You try to avoid looking into evil mirrors whenyour wife has such an awesome rack.I loved Haute Tension (except for the twist ending) and I thought the The Hills Have Eyes remake was one of the best things to come out of this horror remake boom, so I had some high hopes for Alexandre Aja. I knew this one wasn't well received, but horror rarely gets good critical reviews, especially when it's

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-88376359107941657542009-12-17T21:50:00.008+10:302009-12-17T21:50:00.396+10:30

BOLO ATTACK!!Most kickboxing films in the late 80s/early 90s were named by combining two unrelated yet violent-sounding words (eg blood, death, kick, fist, fighter, sport), a principle similarly applied to the naming of Image superheroes. I figured that the term Shootfighter was another product of this creative technique, but it turns out that it's an actual thing, an MMA-style combat sport. I

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-70067840400093962072009-12-14T21:56:00.000+10:302009-12-14T21:56:00.409+10:30

How awesome are bears? Pretty awesome.Grizzly has the distinction of being one of the first Jaws rip-offs, landing in cinemas a little under a year after Spielberg's blockbuster. Apparently the script was written in 8 days, which is not surprising since they pretty much took the script for Jaws and replaced all instances of the word "shark" with "bear". It may be nakedly transparent in the

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-32933986250490667012009-12-12T21:56:00.001+10:302009-12-12T21:56:00.451+10:30

When a chemical is fluorescent green youknow it must be full of SCIENCE!The problem with most horror-comedies is that they are neither scary nor funny. Operating under the mantra "it's just a stupid horror film", it's a critic-proof niche of genre cinema with an endlessly forgiving audience, which is probably why it's so popular with amateur and low-budget filmmakers. Still, sometimes a

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1671874721213158763.post-60041938762667299082009-12-09T21:51:00.005+10:302009-12-09T21:51:02.744+10:30

I actually saw this film a couple of weeks ago but I couldn't be bothered writing about it until now. That probably tells you everything you need to know.The Maya are well-known for their sophisticated astrology and calendric system, and part of this system is the Long Count calendar, a base-20/base-18 calendar system that identifies a day relative to the Mayan creation date (August 11, 3114 BCE

Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03222596744187012495noreply@blogger.com0