Guy N. Smith Book Review - The Origin of the Crabs

It would be hard to the top the massive levels of crustacean carnage in Crabs on the Rampage, so for the fourth book in his epic crab-thology, Guy N. Smith wisely decides to scale down the mayhem and focus on the inhabitants of a small Scottish village.

As it's title suggests, The Origin of the Crabs is a prequel to the other books. You might also (quite reasonably) expect the book to reveal the origin of the crabs. Aside from a brief reference to Russian nuclear testing, it is not discussed at all. Now, I don't really care about the origin of the crabs, but if that's the name of the book you should at least throw us a bone.

Bruce McKechnie has been the laird of Cranlarich estate ever since he murdered his brother for the inheritance. Since then, he has used the grounds to provide hunting and fieldsports for wealthy out-of-towners, much to the consternation of the locals. After a poacher on his grounds has an encounter with a giant crab, McKechnie quickly realises that such news would have a detrimental effect on his business, and he'll do anything to keep the crabs a secret. By which I mean murder.

Since it's a prequel, eponymous hero Cliff Davenport is nowhere to be seen. In his place is the standard Smith hero, the relative-who-is-determined-to-get-to-the-bottom-of-things, John Ryland, who shows up when his brother goes missing in the loch. Christine Blacklaw, resident nymphomaniac, pounces on him immediately. Like most Smith heroines, she keeps herself confined to the background at all times, shouting "No, it's too dangerous!" when appropriate and providing a sex scene when it's time for a break from the gore.

While John Ryland is thoroughly dull, the villain Bruce McKechnie is more interesting, if only for his single-minded determination to keep the crabs a secret no matter how many people get eaten. Luckily for him, the crabs tend to be conveniently shy when the authorities are around. His methods to try to get rid of the crabs become increasingly desperate. It culminates in an attempt to poison the crabs with a drum of powdered cyanide. What's he going to do, spoonfeed it to every one of them? A prominently featured bog provides a prime method of crab extermination, but goes completely unnoticed by everyone until it's way too late.

The book ends bizarrely and abruptly, as if Smith was sitting back examining his finished manuscript (smoking a pipe, naturally) and suddenly thought "Oh shit, it's supposed to be a prequel!" and quickly hammered out an alternate ending that would tie up with the other books. In fact, much of the book has prequel-syndrome, where scenes that should end up in a violent bloodbath (eg a diving team searching the loch in a bathysphere while surrounded by hundreds of onlookers) fizzle out because they are weighed down with continuity.

The plot is weak, and the protagonists demonstrate remarkable lapses of intelligence, such as splitting up in a pea-soup mist populated by giant crabs. However, like Carnivore, the book's focus on gamekeeping and hunting works to Smith's strengths, and he paints a convincing picture of the estate and it's grounds. Highlights include an attempt by the burly gamekeeper, Joe Kinlet, to engage the giant crabs in fisticuffs (spoiler: it doesn't work). Gore levels are high, but do not approach the giddy excess of Crabs on the Rampage.

Like the last book, I picked up the US version and the tagline states "They took England scream by chilling scream. Now they're here!" I was excited to imagine the crabs wreaking havoc across the pond, but the book is clearly set in Scotland. Honestly Dell publishing, between this and the currency issues of the last book, what are you trying to pull?

Guy N. Smith Book Review - Crabs on the Rampage

Clickety-click-click! After a brief Australian holiday in Killer Crabs, the giant crustaceans are back to wreak havoc in the UK. But they aren't content with the Welsh coast this time, they're attacking from all sides simultaneously! What's more, a terrible cancer (crab, cancer, get it?) is causing them to drop dead, and in their final moments they are trying to kill as many humans as they can, even if it means following the waterways inland!

The first victim is a determined oologist (and noted pipe-smoker) who spots the giant crabs dismembering and eating a cow on the Wash. You'd think such a spectacle would cause you to run for your life, or at least alert the authorities, but this guy's lust for the rare and elusive bittern egg proves to be his downfall. After this appetiser, the crabs stumble across a beach full of seaside vacationers, and that's when things start to get interesting.

Series regular Grizzly Grisedale calls Professor Cliff Davenport (scientist, hero, lover) back into the fray and, well, I guess you know what to expect by now. Random scenes of crab mayhem interspersed with Davenport and Grisedale wringing their hands. They can't use paraquat this time because the areas are too populated, so they basically have to sit tight, wait for the crabs to die out and hope that nobody is stupid enough to swim around in the water. You may be surprised, but it turns out there are plenty of people who are that stupid.

The crabs work their way from the Wash through the river system and into London, killing dozens, if not hundreds of people on the way. They even take out Westminster Bridge! Guy N. Smith shows his usual skill at introducing and dispatching characters within ten or so pages. While you may not care about them, you at least get to know them a little before they are disemboweled by a pincer and their intestines slurped like spaghetti (a simile which Smith is fond of).

He even manages to work in a character with a ridiculous crab-phobia, caused by a childhood incident involving his father, a chisel and a particularly tenacious crab. This is pretty fucking funny, because he runs around setting crab-traps, calling them "oversized fuck-pigs" and thinking things like "Fuck the Protection of Animals Act of 1911!" before getting snipped.

Davenport posits that the crab's cancerous mutations have been caused by underwater nuclear testing, and that their rampage is their final act of revenge against humankind. Or that they're headed to the secret crab burial ground. Or that they're fleeing from an even more dangerous aquatic mutation. Who knows? Guy N. Smith sure doesn't.

The deaths in this book are even gorier than Killer Crabs, which is really saying something. Pretty much any way you can imagine a giant crab killing someone, it's probably described in detail in this book. Even babies get the sharp end of a crab claw. What's more, the crabs' disease means elaborate descriptions of dripping, cancerous ulcers too! Oh, joy! One sad thing about this book is that Davenport gets so little to do. For most of the book he is just sitting around twiddling his thumbs or examining dead crabs (which never turns up anything interesting). I kind of miss Klin, the grizzled co-hero of Killer Crabs (surely he would have done more than Davenport), so it was nice to see him get a look-in in the epilogue.

This book was a hell of a lot of fun, and if the title Crabs on the Rampage doesn't pique your curiosity just a little bit, then I don't know what to do with you. This is probably my second favourite crabs book (top honours is held by Night of the Crabs, naturally) and I'd recommend it to anyone who enjoys books about giant animals running amok.

Additional note: I bought the US version of this book, in which they'd replaced every instance of the word "pound" with "dollar". Did Dell Publishing consider the idea of a foreign currency too perplexing for our American brethren?

Mercenary for Justice (2006)

While his fellow mercenaries prefer camouflage,
Seagal opts for a more slimming black.

Surprisingly (or not, if you read the title of the film) Seagal isn't playing an ex-CIA agent this time but a mercenary named John Seeger. Someone makes sure to mention that he is the most decorated veteran of the Gulf War, so at least he's ex-something. He has been convinced by his buddy Radio Jones (who is the team's comms expert, I shit you not) to take on a mission liberating a small island nation from the French. While they battle the Frenchies (for justice), another group of racist South African mercenaries (not for justice) have kidnapped the French Ambassador and his family.

Both groups have been hired by, as some subtitles helpfully point out, "CIA Dirty Deeds Man" Dresham (Luke Goss) and "Black Opps[sic] Producer" Chapel (Roger Guenveur Smith). They are both evil. Radio Jones decides to make an impassioned speech in the middle of a firefight, which means he gets perforated by gunfire. He asks Seagal to take care of his wife and kid right before he dies. Meanwhile, the racist mercenaries decide to blow their hostages sky high, I guess because they are assholes. This steams Seagal, because he is pro-justice.

When he gets back to the US, Seagal visits Radio's widow and son, and before long they've been kidnapped by Chapel who wants to use Seagal in One Last Mission. He and the South African mercenaries from earlier are given four days to break some billionaire arms dealer's son out of a South African prison. Of course, Seagal is one step ahead, and with the help of his three fellow mercenaries for justice (his ex-girlfriend Maxine, a fellow Detroit native named Bulldog and some hacker) a complicated and fairly ridiculous plan unfolds.

I won't try to explain it here, partially because I don't want to spoil it, but mostly because it makes no fucking sense. Basically it involves stealing millions of dollars from a bank vault while killing a whole lot of cops and security guards... for justice! It ends with a pile of dead bodies and the billionaire arms dealer, his son and Chapel sent off to jail. I thought the movie was going to end right here, but we were nowhere near the magical 88 minute mark, and Seagal hadn't rescued Radio's family or killed Dresham yet.

After a pointless battle at a lighthouse, they head off to the mansion where Radio's widow and son are being help captive. Gunfire ensues. Seagal lets Dresham drive away at first, but once his buddies arrive to hear his zinger he says "I always thought he had an explosive personality" before detonating the car-bomb he had planted. Fetch me some bandages, for I fear my sides may have split! He tops it off by pointing out "I said 'had'". I hope this is the first of many Seagal quips that make reference to grammatical tenses (for the next one my money's on the pluperfect progressive).

Seagal plays a slightly different character than usual: A bit more of a jerk and slightly less than invincible (he never gets injured of course, but there are points where you think it might be a possibility). He doesn't even don his trademark leather trenchcoat until the very end of the film. Like most of his recent films, Seagal isn't involved in a lot of the action and unfortunately what he is in is mainly riding around in big black Jeeps and shooting machine guns rather than snapping wrists. A few necks do get broken, but I've gotta say, the people in this film have some pretty brittle bones. A mild 60 degree turn and their vertebrae snap like twigs. Drink your milk, kids!

This is the second team-up between director Don E. FauntLeRoy and Seagal after 2005's Today You Die and title-wise, I think this film is definitely a step down. Apparently it was originally called Repentance, then Mercenary, then finally Mercenary for Justice. I think I would have called it Hard for Justice (just imagine the trailer: "Steven Seagal is Hard for Justice"). The film looks a hell of a lot better than most Direct-to-Video films, especially the battle at the beginning (FauntLeRoy must know this because it goes on for 20 minutes). According to the special features, FauntLeRoy watched Saving Private Ryan and Blackhawk Down over and over in order to properly rip them off. Seagal is as wooden as ever, but at least he delivers his own lines and his co-stars are pretty good. Roger Guenveur Smith gives an utterly ludicrous performance as the kind of evil CIA agent that always crops up in a Seagal film. He hisses and growls and overly enunciates every word, it's hilarious. I think he was supposed to be South African, but I couldn't tell for sure.

All in all, I've seen worse Direct-to-Video Steven Seagal films (which is probably something you shouldn't admit to in public). It looks like Seagal was present for more than a day of shooting, which is as good as a measure of quality as you're going to get with these kind of films. These days Seagal does barely anything except act, which sucks because he can't. I'm just waiting for them to just cut out the middle man (ie Seagal) and have a double do everything. It might even be an improvement.

Shadow Man (2006)

Noogies!

In 2006/2007 Michael Keusch and Steven Seagal squeezed out an impressive three Direct-to-Video releases. I have already reviewed one of these and Shadow Man is another. These films are unified by their cheap Romanian shooting locations, nonsensical plots and the copious use of stunt doubles for anything more complicated than walking (and sometimes even then).

The film starts in a dojo, with Seagal giving his students a lesson in internal vs external martial arts. After using his internal skills to explode a watermelon, one of his students asks for a lesson. Seagal gives him a punch that sends him flying across the room and through the wall. That's what you get for expecting a lesson from your instructor, punk! In what was probably a post-production afterthought, a body double beats up the rest of his students too.

Seagal is Jack Foster, ex-CIA agent turned family man and Fortune 500 CEO (wow!). It's the five year anniversary of his wife's death and Seagal, his father-in-law and his daughter are planning to visit his wife's hometown. Luckily she was from budget-friendly Romania, which means there'll be more money to spend on more important things, like fiery explosions! Yep, as soon as they get there, Seagal's father-in-law gets blown up by a car bomb and his daughter gets kidnapped.

Why are all these guys out to get him? Well, Seagal's father-in-law (also a spy) planted the formula for a super-virus in the stylus of his palm-pilot. Bad idea, you know how easy it is to lose those things? Everyone wants the virus... Russian mobsters, corrupt Romanian cops, American Black Ops. Plus, it turns out the woman who kidnapped his daughter is actually a former MI6 agent turned cabbie. Pretty much everyone in this film is a spy or a criminal or both.

What follows is a series of gun battles and fistfights, during which Seagal is as invulnerable as ever. Probably moreso. He even manages to take down a helicopter with a few shots from his 9mm. At least he gets a lot to do in this film. He gets into a car chase (or at least, some stunt driver does while he grimaces in front of a green screen), he does some MacGuyver-like improvisation and he even gets a cabbie to take him to a random crack house just so he can beat up a bunch of drug dealers, shoot an old woman and steal some cash. That's Seagal's version of an ATM!

Anyway, like many of Seagal's recent films, the plot is just way too convoluted. There's too many factions and double-crosses, especially when you consider that everything gets resolved by a bunch of successive firefights at the Bucharest public library. There's nothing here that couldn't have been accomplished by a simple kidnapping story, but the runtime is padded with secondary characters. Speaking of which, the rest of the actors do a serviceable job. UK soap star Eva Pope puts in a good turn as Seagal's sidekick. Academy Award nominee Imelda Staunton must have some serious gambling debts, because here she is, playing the US Ambassador to Romania.

Compared to Attack Force, this one is pretty good. The acting is better, the script is better and Seagal even says his own lines 99% of the time, even if he is doubled for a few random long shots. Unlike Attack Force, I even think they decided on the species of the bad guys prior to filming. I wouldn't call it, as the back of the box states, a "two-fisted, all-action thrill ride". It's barely a "one-fisted, some-action thrill ride", but it's definitely in the top three Steven Seagal films of 2006.

Attack Force (2006)

This is about the extent of attack force Seagal delivers in this film

Steven Seagal released three Direct-to-Video films in 2006. One of these was Michael Keusch's Attack Force, a film so rushed and sloppy it hit video store shelves with an audible splat! It starts with a murky action sequence that has Seagal retrieving a doohickey in a briefcase from what I assume are evil terrorists. Seagal plays Michael Lawson, a covert ops specialist who is so covert that his name randomly changes from Michael to Marshall and he sounds like someone completely different about half the time. After this confusing and pointless action sequence, he gets called away to Paris on a training mission.

This is the kind of film that insults your intelligence right off the bat, by having an establishing shot of the Eiffel Tower and then a subtitle that reads "France, Europe". Then again, since the rest of the shooting locations look suspiciously like budget-friendly Eastern Europe, it probably pays to spell it out.

Seagal's titular attack force is about twenty years his junior, and resemble a bunch of frat boys rather than covert ops specialists. After sitting around discussing how much of a bad-ass Seagal is (and I'm glad they said so, because there's nothing in this film that would indicate as such) they decide to hit the town and pick up a hooker. When they're getting ready to double-team her (with the third guy locked outside and whining away... what a mood killer!) she whips out a weird-looking knife and carves herself some turkeys.

Seagal may display nothing more than a bewildered, blank stare upon discovering their bodies, but you know he's burning with rage inside, and his subsequent investigations lead him to some Eurotrash terrorists with ties to the military. It appears a rogue biochemist/terrorist/pimp is infecting the local populace with a drug called CTX. He is using locals as test subjects, marketing it as a party drug, but it also turns them into unstoppable killing machines. He's also dumped a whole lot of it in the water supply for some reason, and thousands of people are going to be infected within 12 hours. That's bad news... for walls. Yes, evil drug addicts are busting through walls, throwing other people through walls and Seagal's partner even gets tossed through two walls in a single throw. Even Seagal gets in on a bit of wall-busting action.

With the evil government agents who funded the development of CTX on his tail, Seagal is soon surrounded by a swirling mess of subplots and side characters that are randomly killed, resolved off-screen or forgotten entirely. His partner helps him to put together a new attack force and gets him a whole lot of guns and some cool wrist-blades. After he foils an attack by government agents, he gathers his new attack force and heads to an isolated cathedral for the final showdown.

The final fight with the sexy terrorist leader (who up until now has had a sum total screen time of about a minute) consists of repeated enemy-POV shots of Seagal frantically swiping his meaty paws at the camera like the cameraman is holding a cheeseburger just out of frame. The impact of every blow is punctuated by a white flash and whooshing sound effect, which is extremely annoying. Eventually he gives her a chest wound that magically jumps from one side to another, before stabbing her in the head and putting her down for good. Seagal limps away with the only other survivor, a member of his attack force who was introduced about ten minutes prior. Roll credits. I guess we'll have to wait for Attack Force 2 to find out about the CTX in the water supply.

There is evidence of post-production tampering all over the place, with unresolved subplots, dubbed lines, clumsy exposition etc. Apparently the film was originally titled Harvester and was about Seagal fighting aliens. Actually, that explains a lot. Having aliens or terrorists as your antagonists seems like something you'd want to sort out prior to post-production, but that's the magic of cinema.

Yeah, this film is pretty bad, even by Direct-to-Video action standards. The few action sequences are murky and limp and the script is a loose connection of plot holes. Seagal does the bare minimum to get away with star billing and for about half the movie he is dubbed by someone who sounds nothing like him. Worse still, only one limb is broken, and it's not even done by Seagal. Weak. This film is the equivalent of Seagal flipping the bird to his fans.

Steven Seagal: Direct-to-Video Superstar

Steven Seagal, like many of our fine action stars (Jean-Claude Van Damme, Wesley Snipes... um, Dolph Lundgren) has been banished to Direct-to-Video pergatory. In fact, if you've been to your local video store lately you've probably seen a lot of Seagal, albeit more bloated and haggard than you might remember him. Since 2003, Seagal has punched out 13 Direct-to-Video releases. Up to four films a year! That puts him up there with such DTV luminaries as Don "The Dragon" Wilson and Marc Dacascos.

Sure, it's a double fighting most of the time. Hell, sometimes it's a double walking around and looping dialogue in post-production too, but that's not what you're paying for with Seagal. It's the ponytail and the leather trenchcoat. It's the weird Eastern mysticism and the ill-defined conspiracies involving shady government agencies. That's the essence of Seagal.

One thing I love about Steven Seagal's films, especially his early ones, is how blunt and honest the titles of his films are. I mean, you pick up a film like Hard to Kill or Marked for Death, you know exactly what you are going to get. Kind of like that film about reptiles on an aircraft, I can't remember what it was called. He briefly lost it when he started teaming up with rappers in the early 00's (Exit Wounds? Half Past Dead? What the hell?) but now he's back producing films with names like Attack Force and Today You Die. Good, solid action movie titles. But are they good, solid action movies?

The short answer is: Probably not. The long answer is: I've purchased several DTV Steven Seagal films, and I'm going to watch every single one of them (even if it kills me) and post my findings here. To paraphrase Seagal, you can take that to the bank... the blood bank (Hard to Kill, 1990).

3 Dev Adam (1973)

Oh, spidey! What have they done to you?

Spider-Man, Captain America and Santo? How could you go wrong? Oh, but you can. So very, very wrong. 3 Dev Adam (3 Mighty Men) was Turkey's response to the superhero craze. Throwing together a rudimentary knowledge of some popular superheroes with a blatant disregard for copyright laws, the result is an uncomfortable blend of superheroics and a straight crime film.

The film opens with our friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man down at the beach with some friends. At least, I think it's him. His outfit has gone from red and blue to red and green, and there's nary a web to be seen. He's looking a bit paunchy too, and what's more, he has these big honkin' eyebrows protruding from his mask. He's none too friendly either. In fact, he buries a woman up to her neck in the sand and shreds her face with an outboard motor while cackling insanely. I'm beginning to think this movie isn't strictly canon.

It seems ol' webhead is the head of an international crime organisation, and the Turkish police have called in the services of Santo, Captain America (played by Aytekin Akkaya from Turkish Star Wars) and Cap's useless sidekick/girlfriend Julia. Santo explains that Spider-Man is stealing Turkish artifacts and then selling them in the USA for a pittance. Then he's buying them back for a huge amount, but paying with counterfeit money. This is a pretty stupid scheme, but it's worked well for him so far. It should be noted that these heroes really like a drink. In almost every scene where they're off the clock they've got a drink in their hand. Being in this film, I can't really blame them.

Before long, Spider-Man is attacked by a couple of trenchcoated mafia types, but he foils them by hiding behind some wooden planks and then stabbing them with a switchblade. See, it could have been worse than organic webshooters. He emits a gravelly "Adios, mafia!" but I think "Arrivederci, Mafia!" would have worked better.

Upon discovering the bodies of the mafia goons, our heroes split up to try and gather some information. Captain America is out for a drive with the police chief when he asks why they wear costumes. Captain America responds "The Spider is a child-minded lunatic. When he sees someone else wearing a mask he wants to destroy them. My suit is bullet proof." "I see." responds the police chief. Well I'm glad he does.

Julia is sent to an international fashion show, which is being held in someone's living room for some reason. She is discovered by Spider-Man's girlfriend Nadja (not MJ) when she starts snooping around behind the scenes. Luckily, Cap is driving nearby, and the captive Julia is able to signal them with her high-tech watch. She is taken to a house in the countryside by some goons, tied to a column and slapped around. Soon Cap (in costume, finally) punches through the paper-thin door and starts a fistfight with the goons (unfortunately it looks like he couldn't get his shield through customs). At several points he hangs from a rope and executes the most awkward and embarrassing blows ever committed to film. Spider-Man shows up and they engage in a brief footchase, during which a drunken bum sees the costumed superheroes and blames his booze. Oh, my aching sides! Eventually Spider-Man leaps into his crappy old car and drives off. Cap clings to the side of the vehicle but is dislodged by repeated blows to the head.

Meanwhile, Santo stakes out Spider-Man's PO box. He follows the courier back to a gym, and that evening he dons his wrestling outfit (shiny silver mask, sequined cape... perfect for sneaking around unnoticed) and stalks around the main office, shoving various documents down the front of his lycra pants. He is discovered by the mafioso owner and engages in a punch up with him and a bunch of Karate dudes who arrive for some late night sparring. He also heroically helps himself to the contents of the gym owner's wallet.

After throttling a woman in her bathtub and stealing her precious artifact, Spidey calls a meeting with his henchmen. Remember the gym owner from earlier? Well it seems the papers Santo stole contained some sensitive material, and Spidey suspects the gym owner of being a spy. In a Richard Gere meets Bond villain type of punishment, he places one end of a plastic tube over his face and inserts a couple of ravenous guinea pigs. Death by guinea pig! Spidey's cackle goes into overdrive.

While the police chief takes in a striptease (with nipple tassels, this is a kid's show after all) at Spider-Man's private club, Cap and Santo storm the counterfeit operation and beat up the mafia goons. Spider-Man, meanwhile, stabs a couple while they're making out in the shower. That's the second time he's ambushed people in their bathrooms... what a pervert! Later he has sex with Nadja, where she hallucinates a bunch of freaky puppets during orgasm. Yeah, I don't know either, maybe it's a Turkish thing.

During another one of Spidey's robberies that night, he is ambushed by Santo and Captain America, and here is where it gets really weird. Spider-Man is fighting both Santo and Captain America in different rooms simultaneously. Santo and Cap pummel both Spideys, and that's when another Spider-Man pops up and runs away. What the hell? Well, as far as multiple Spider-Men go, it's no less stupid than that whole Clone Wars saga. Anyway, Spider-Man shouts "Goodnight Americanos!" to our heroes and drives off in his car.

The next day, Santos and Captain America head to Spider-Man's gentleman's club in eye-searing leisurewear. Julia is posing as a famous stripper, and their plan is to create a diversion so she can kidnap Spidey's courier. For some reason, their diversion consists of getting into a fight and then pretending to faint. Why the bad guys don't immediately beat them to death or shoot them I don't know, but it works, and Julia knocks the courier unconscious by clobbering her on the head with her shoe (luckily it's the 70s so she's got chunky platforms on).

The bad guys take Santo and Cap to an old warehouse. While Julia and the police chief attempt to extract info from the courier, the two heroes stage an escape by pretending to beat the crap out of each other. Captain America chases after Spider-Man and, after being hindered by some sort of super-powered floor fan, starts another lackluster fight. Eventually Cap crushes his head in some sort of hydraulic press, but suddenly another cackling Spider-Man pops up out of nowhere. Where are they all coming from, and who is going to clean up all these Spider-corpses? A few more Spideys are beaten and crushed by industrial equipment before they stop spawning. So I guess he's defeated then? Okay. Our heroes say their goodbyes, but not before some kid plays a trick on Cap by hiding in the taxi wearing a Spider-Man mask. Ha, ha, ha! What a joker!