Bronx Warriors 2 (1983)

To recreate the experience of watching this film, drink heavily then
stare at this image for 90 minutes while making exploding noises.

Bronx Warriors may have been a near-perfect film, but one of it's few flaws was that it left so many unanswered questions. What happened to Trash now that his motorcycle gang is completely wiped out? How does he maintain his mane of curls in an Escape From New York style wasteland? What kind of parents would name their kid "Trash"? Thankfully, Enzo G. Castellari saw fit to give us another entry in the saga of Trash: Bronx Warriors 2 (aka Escape From the Bronx), a film that answers at least the last of the above questions.

Although he retains the head of hair that made him famous, Trash (Marc Gregory) has gone through a few changes since the first film. He's still got his bike with skull headlamp that he uses to traverse stairwells instead of the traditional walking, but no more sleeveless leather vests. He must have been too busy to work out in between films. He has also traded in his metal club for a tiny six-shooter, which may seem like a step down but in his first scene he uses it to take down a helicopter with a couple of shots. Sure it's a model helicopter, but still, pretty impressive.

The people hunting Trash are the private army of the E.C. Corporation, an evil company that wants to turf out the residents of the Bronx so they can build a gleaming new metropolis. Although they claim they are financially compensating the residents and giving them houses in New Mexico, what they are really doing is sending in a team of silver-jumpsuited "Disinfestors" to roast every resident they can find with a flamethrower. They are led by Floyd Wrangler (Henry Silva, picking up slumming-actor role from Vic Morrow) who hates the Bronx almost as much as he hates sugar in his coffee ("It makes me crazy!!"). Most of the surviving gang members are hiding out underground, led by the violently overacting Dablone (Antonio Sabato).

Among the Bronx natives willing to fight it out above ground are Trash's own parents, no doubt inspired by the enormous poster of their son (a publicity still from Bronx Warriors) that they keep on their living room wall. In hindsight it should have been obvious that Trash's father would be Ratchet from 2019: After the Fall of New York (or the actor who played him anyway), and needless to say he greets the neighbourhood Disinfestation team with a baseball bat to the face. Unfortunately Pa Trash quickly learns that you should never take a baseball bat to a flamethrower fight, and pretty soon Trash's folks are stinking out the building with their barbecued corpses. Although grief is clearly outside his acting range, you can tell Trash is upset because he shoots some scavengers a bunch of times with an angry scowl on his face. Go get 'em, Trash!

Meanwhile, a former-Bronxian reporter thinks the Corporation's cover story is a little suspicious (the fact that they have Disinfestation Annihilation Team written on the side of their trucks was probably her first clue) and during a press conference she launches into an angry rant that she concludes with a succinct "The E.C. Corporation sucks!" before getting tossed on her ass. Subsequently, she sneaks into the Bronx in order to gather photographic evidence of their dastardly deeds. Although her cameraman gets roasted like a Christmas turkey, she joins Trash's crusade against the evil Corporation.

Together they come up with the idea of kidnapping the President of the E.C. Corporation and forcing the Disinfestors to evacuate their gang-run hellhole. As Dablone says, "Nobody will sit on a john full of dynamite." Who knows what that is supposed to mean, but Trash's plan requires enlisting the help of a mercenary named Strike (Giancarlo Prete, last seen getting fucked up the ass by George Eastman in The New Barbarians) and his explosives obsessed son. In his first line this kid called Trash a "fag", so I immediately liked him. Strike is reluctant to take part in Trash's stupid plan, so Trash convinces him by telling him something or other about sitting around and "scratching his balls". "I like scratching my balls", replies Strike. We all do, buddy. We all do.

Together their team treks through the sewers and into Manhattan, where they capture the President during the public opening of the new demolition project. The reporter uses her gift for shrill, hysterical rants to distract the cops while Trash nabs the President, and together they escape into the sewers. One police officer says what we were all thinking about Mark Gregory's bizarre effeminate walk when he remarks "What a fag! Look at him run!", although it's possible that he was referring to Trash's hasty retreat. What follows is almost half an hour of sewer chases and dudes in silver jumpsuits jumping away from explosions in slow motion.

After some convincing from Wrangler, the Vice President (Paolo Malco, everything) decides to bomb the entire Bronx, President and all, so he can take over the company. This leads to an insane firefight where the remains of the gangs are smoked out of their hidey-hole and pretty much everyone gets a bullet sandwich. I didn't count how many Disinfestors and gang members were shot or exploded, but a conservative estimate would place it at around five billion. More magic bullets are fired that explode vehicles in a single shot.

Bronx Warriors 2 seems to be a much different film that the first. The tone is a lot more bleak and serious. The characters just aren't as interesting, and I'm not sure who could fill the hole left by Fred "The Hammer" Williamson and Vic Morrow, but a bored Henry Silva isn't it. The awesome tap-dancing gang make a brief cameo but unfortunately you don't see them fighting the Disinfestors using the power of dance. It's more action packed than the first film, but it's not as interesting and varied... the guys in silver jumpsuits doing flips in slow motion starts to get a bit repetitive the 100th time around. There aren't as many deliciously quotable lines from Trash this time (I call it "Trash Talk") since he seems content to let his tiny pea-shooter do the talking. I'd consider this an slightly inferior follow-up to Bronx Warriors, but essential viewing for fans of Trash (pretty much everyone).

1990: Bronx Warriors (1982)

Waxed chests and leather vests... a chilling vision of the future

Now that we've looked at The New Barbarians it's time to take a look at the other Enzo G. Castellari helmed 1982 post-apocalyptic action film starring Fred Williamson. That's not to say it's a total retread. Whereas The New Barbarians was an unashamed, bottom-of-the-barrel rip-off of Mad Max, Castellari branches out into new territory with an unashamed, bottom-of-the-barrel rip-off of Escape From New York (with some of The Warriors thrown in).

In the extremely near future (a rather pessimistic eight years after the film was made) the crime rate in the Bronx has risen to such catastrophic levels that it has been declared No Man's Land. The authorities have given up any attempt to enforce law and order, and now the streets belong to the gangs.

Fleeing to this post-apocalyptic hell-hole is Ann (Stefania Girolami). She is on the cusp of her eighteenth birthday, and on that day she stands to inherit the Presidency of the Manhattan Corporation, the world's largest arms producer. Fearing becoming a puppet of corporate villainy, she naturally decides that the Bronx would be a good place to hide. Soon after arrival, she is attacked by a lame street-hockey themed gang called the Zombies. They aren't exactly the Baseball Furies, but they can hold their own against a 17 year old girl.

Luckily she is rescued by Trash, permed, pouty-lipped pugilist and leader of the biker gang the Riders. Played by Mark Gregory, he looks like a member of the sissiest hair-metal band ever to don a pair of skin-tight jeans, and looks particularly incongruous next to his gang, most of whom were played by genuine bikers. He walks in a bizarre, feminine gait and his expression is permanently set to baby-faced bewilderment. The only way I'd buy him as leader of the gang is if he were elected as some sort of prank, like Carrie as prom queen, but he was too stupid to get the joke and the rest of the gang just ran with it.

According to the opening text, the Bronx belongs to the Riders, but it's clear that the real guys in charge are the Tigers. I mean, the Riders may have Nazi uniforms and customised hogs with glowing plastic skulls on the front, but the Tigers wear pimp suits and drive around in classic hotrods. As opposed to the hair-metal reject Trash, the Tigers are led by the self-titled King of the Bronx "The Ogre", played by Fred "The Hammer" Williamson. Whereas Trash is flanked by fat, hairy bikers, The Ogre has a whip-wielding dominatrix sidekick named Witch. I think we know who the real top dog is.

Anyway, the Tigers meet up with the Riders at a wharf to discuss a territorial dispute. Apparently the Tigers have killed one of Trash's men, who, according to the Ogre, was carrying a police tracking device called a "Gizmo". The entire scene is scored to a drum beat, banged out by dude who is sitting there out in the open with a full drum kit. He doesn't appear to have any connection to the gangs and nobody says a word about it. If you've even wondered why I sit through these cheap Italian knock-offs, it's for insane moments like these.

Thrown into the mix is Hammer, played by actual Bronx native Vic Morrow (soon before dying on the set of Twilight Zone: The Movie). Hammer is a former resident of the Bronx who is hired by the Vice President of the Manhattan Corporation (played by Enzo G. Castellari himself) to rescue Ann. Hammer also sees it as a chance to take out as many scumbag gang members as possible. He's like Charles Bronson in Death Wish, only he's the bad guy. He starts by infiltrating the headquarters of the Riders (colourfully labeled by the grammatically poor graffiti: "This shit heap is Riders home"). He is disguised as a mailman, complete with a shotgun in a poster-tube, but I question the idea that the mail service is still operating in this neighbourhood. He gets discovered, but he manages to take out a couple of Trash's men before escaping.

Hammer tries to frame the Tigers for the deaths by planting some evidence. Although the Riders call for war, Trash is unconvinced, claiming that "it could be a pile of shit out of somebody's asshole." Yes Trash, that's generally where shit comes from. When Hammer's attempts to turn the gangs against each other fails, he employs a traitorous member of the Riders named Ice to turn against their leader.

Ann blames herself for the deaths of Trash's crew and tries to run away, but the idiot is immediately captured by the Zombies. Ice goes to meet the leader of the Zombies, Golan, to try and convince him to turn Ann over to Hammer. Golan is played by none other than George "The New Barbarians" Eastman. He doesn't fuck a guy in the ass this time, but he does wear a crazy shogun-inspired outfit like Sho' Nuff.

Trash, meanwhile, has decided to take a few of his men and ask The Ogre for help to rescue Ann. In order to reach the Tigers' turf, however, they must make it through a gauntlet of gimmicky gangs a la The Warriors. I don't know why they had to take a shortcut through the sewers, but in doing so they were attacked by the Scavengers, a group of underground cavemen. The most hilarious gang of all is a group of tap-dancing thugs wearing bowler hats and glittery makeup, kind of like the drag version of A Clockwork Orange.

Once they arrive at the Tigers' headquarters Hammer tries to frame Trash one last time, but Trash manages to convince The Ogre of his innocence and get his assistance in rescuing Ann. On their trip back, Trash comes across his second-in-command, attacked by the Scavengers as he tried to warn him of Ice's treachery. Trash is just in time for a tearful death scene that I was convinced was going to end with a passionate kiss (maybe in the deleted scenes). Ogre, Trash and Witch rescue Ann and kick the asses of Golan and all of his roller-skating flunkies.

The Ogre takes Ann and the Riders back to his headquarters, even baking a spectacular birthday cake for Ann, but soon Hammer arrives, clad in black leather and doing some serious overacting, with a platoon of flamethrower-wielding riot cops on horseback. I wouldn't think flamethrowers and horses would be a good mix, but they do a good job of roasting the gang members. Pretty much everyone dies, including Ann, and the film ends with Trash impaling Hammer on a grappling hook and dragging his corpse through the streets of the Bronx. Long live the Riders!

Yeah, so this film is pretty dumb. I mean, why are they so intent on getting Ann back so she can run the company? I mean, this is a girl who decided that the best course of action was to run away to a crime infested slum and shack up with a bubble-headed, pretty-boy biker named Trash. We're not talking top-shelf material here. I also don't understand how Hammer's plan was supposed to work. By the end of the film he doesn't seem to care why he's there at all, and I guess it's assumed that you don't either. The film also loses points for casting Fred Williamson and naming a completely different character "Hammer". However it's never boring, with lots of good action and some nicely choreographed fights. Throw in a few surreal Italian touches and some hilariously bad "tough guy" dialogue ("You're playing with fire!" "I know, and I love it... I love it"), and you've got a recipe for good times my friend.

The New Barbarians (1982)

Dune buggies, laser guns, Fred "The Hammer" Williamson and
George Eastman fucking a dude in the ass. This film has everything!

After the huge success of Mad Max, it didn't take the Italians long to realise that they could make their own post-apocalyptic epics using nothing more than some bearded Italians, a disused quarry, a few dune buggies and some leather S&M gear. Enzo G. Castellari's The New Barbarians (aka Warriors of the Wasteland) was one of them. It takes place in the year 2019, and the world is a pretty different place. For starters, people wear transparent bubbles over their boobs. After the bombs dropped, frightened and desperate survivors banded together, trying to intercept signals from civilisation as they hold off assaults from gangs of raiders.

Scorpion (Giancarlo Prete), on the other hand, is a loner who prowls the wasteland and steals to survive. He gets around in a sweet Dodge Charger, which doesn't have a scorpion airbrushed on the hood, sadly, but does have a shiny silver skull as a hood ornament, which is almost as good. It is also customised with glowing plastic bubbles, pvc tubing and other futuristic accoutrement. It isn't all cosmetic though: At the push of a button he can open the door for the lizzadies or activate the rocket launcher hidden in the trunk. Hell, his mechanic probably laughed at him when he requested a button to blast off the passenger door, but it sure came in handy when a bad guy stuck a mine to the side of his car.

You'd think all of this stuff would cost a fortune in gas or water or women or whatever has become the currency in this post-apocalyptic wasteland, but you'd be surprised how much sway you have when your mechanic is a 10 year old boy. He is played by none other than Giovanni Frezzi aka Bobby from House by the Cemetery. Luckily he's dubbed by someone else this time around, adopting a gruff Brooklyn-accented voice more befitting of a Warrior of the Wasteland. He's good with a slingshot too. I don't know what he was shooting, but the bad guys were dropping like flies in the finale.

Who are the bad guys? Well, Scorpion is being pursued by a group of white-clad raiders called the Templars, headed by the enigmatic One (George Eastman in a hilarious wig). The One has some sort of grudge against Scorpion (in addition to smouldering lust), but it isn't explained. The Templars have a philosophy that boils down to the destruction all life on Earth, which is at odds with Scorpion's desire to live. The Templars have dirt bikes and customised silver golf carts that can move at about 10 km/h, but are packed with all sorts of accessories, like flame throwers, spinning blades etc. It even has a flimsy looking fan that they use to decapitate people who are too stupid to duck.

Did I mention that the Templars are homosexuals? The leather outfits, the meticulously styled hair, the sensibly fuel-efficient cars, it all makes sense! In fact, their initiation ritual involves being sodomised by One in front of all the other Templars, something he proceeds to demonstrate on Scorpion. The synth-heavy soundtrack (by Claudio Simonetti ie Goblin) starts bleeping and blorping even more than usual, and the film cuts rapidly from Scorpion to One to the reaction shots of the henchmen. One doesn't even give him a reach-around and frankly that's just rude.

Before he is finished off, Scorpion is rescued by Nadir (The Hammer) who creepily stalks him from place to place, helping him out of jams with his explosive-tipped arrows and shiny gold codpiece. Who knows why, but when Scorpion is being dragged along behind a dune buggy, he slo-o-o-wly takes out all of the accompanying motorcyclists before turning his attention to the guy driving the buggy. Maybe he just likes watching him suffer, which explains his absence during Scorpion's unfortunate butt-rape incident.

The film builds to a climax at a survivor outpost, where the trio of warriors take out the entire Templar army. Nadir and the mechanic take on the henchman while Scorpion has a spaghetti Western showdown with One's second-in-command. Scorpion even whips off his poncho to reveal his bare torso encased in laser-proof translucent bubble-armour. Sergio Leone, you've just been served! The mechanic also whips up a four-foot drill for his car, so he can exact some penetrative vengeance on One during a climatic low-speed car chase.

As far as Mad Max rip-offs go, this one isn't too bad. Giancarlo Prete is a pretty poor Mel Gibson substitute, but the presence of The Hammer almost makes up for it. It has a lot of explosions (they are mostly the cheap-looking kind with lots of sparks and smoke) plus a few cool decapitations by exploding arrows. Most of the cars look like you could outrun them on foot, but there are lots of crashes and cars flying off ramps in slow motion. Ann Kanakis, Miss Italy 1977, appears briefly as window dressing, but she's very good at it, looking good even when the dirt on her face makes it looks like she has a five o'clock shadow. The 90 minutes or so move pretty quickly and I doubt you'll be bored, unless you hate explosions, laser-battles, James Bond style gadgets and life, in which case, the Templars are always looking for new members. Bring lube.