Voorhees a Jolly Good Fellow - Part 3

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)


After the dismal reception of Part VIII, the rights to the character of Jason Voorhees were sold to New Line films. Not, however, the rights to the title Friday the 13th, which is why the ninth film is titled Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday. Yeah right, like we believe that after The Final Chapter. Jason is blown to pieces in an F.B.I. sting operation, but manages to survive by possessing the coroner. Subsequently he tries to get hold of his hitertho unmentioned sister and niece so he can regain possession of his original body. Although I applaud the attempt to take the series in a new direction, I found this one pretty hit and miss. I liked some of the touches, such as how Crystal Lake has become something of a tourist trap, selling Jason Voorhees themed hamburgers and t-shirts. Anyway, due to the possession, the true Jason isn't seen very much at all except at the very beginning and end, and what we see sure differs from the previous films. His head is malformed, bloated and bloody and it looks like the flesh is growing around the mask, like it's an organic part of his body. The mask itself shiny, almost metallic, and we never see what lies underneath. Interesting idea, but I think it looks kind of stupid. He also has some long stringy hair, not seen since Part 2. His outfit hearkens back to the days of Part 3-5, a tattered blue jumpsuit and workboots. Is it just me, or does he look a bit fat?

Jason X (2002)

By 2002 both the Leprechaun and Hellraiser series had jettisoned their main characters into space for a bit of sci-fi horror. Not wanting to be left behind in the horror space race, Jason Voorhees followed suit with Jason X. It's in this film that Jason's seeming immortality is explained away by a mysterious regenerative ability. For most of the movie he gets around in a blue shirt and pants, this time with a tattered brown coat over the top. It's a good look, I think. His mask features the axe damage from Part III and he's even got some patchy hair. He is seen briefly without his mask, and he looks swollen and rubbery, almost like a cartoon character, but still recognisably human. He has some wiry tufts of hair and in some scenes it even looks a little grey. I guess Jason is starting to show his age. Towards the end of the film he gets his much-ballyhooed upgrade and becomes Jason 2.0. Some of his limbs are replaced with robotic prosthetics and his mask becomes a shiny chrome skull-like affair. Jason 2.0 gets two thumbs down from me.

Freddy vs Jason (2003)

In a rather shameless grab for cash, New Line properties Freddy and Jason team up in the imaginatively titled Freddy vs Jason to produce a film that's way more entertaining that it needed to be. Freddy resurrects Jason in an attempt to bring fear back to Springwood and consequently bring back Freddy's power. Unfortunately for Freddy, Jason cannot be controlled so easily. Apparently Springwood is walking distance from Crystal Lake. Who knew? Jason goes for a slightly different look this time. Dark pants and shirt with a torn blue jumper, gloves and workboots, all topped off with a ragged brown coat. Apparently Jason's decided to rug up for cold weather this time. Nevertheless, it's a good look for him, the coat gives it a bit of contrast, brings the whole outfit together. Throughout the film his outfit gets more and more tattered until it's just a pile of scorched rags. His mask doesn't feature any battle-damage nods to continuity, but the markings more closely resemble those of the original mask in Part 3. Maybe it's just me, but it looks a little larger. You don't get a good look under the mask, the closest you get is a look at his horrific dental hygeine. He is looking pretty black and rotten, but not as much as in Part VI or VII.

Friday the 13th (2009)

So, uh, this film is produced by Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes company, the same group behind the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Amityville and Hitcher remakes. Hmm, now that's worrying. They got the mask right (not that that's everything, look at the Halloween remake) and apparently he wears a combination of a hunting jacket and a military jacket, with a ragged t-shirt and combat boots. He is also a hunchback(!) and noticably leaner than previous incarnations. I'm glad that he's not built like a wrestler this time around, that got pretty silly towards the end when he was supposed to be a rotted corpse. Apparently the film is going to compress the events of the first three films into one film (kids today get bored with things like "suspense" and "tension"), which means bag-head Jason is going to make an appearance! I don't have high hopes for this film but I don't really care a great deal since Friday the 13th was/is a considerably lower pedigree than horror classics like Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Halloween.

Book Review - Seagalogy: The Ass-Kicking Films of Steven Seagal

I got into Direct-to-Video Seagal before I'd heard of Vern, but I guess it was only a matter of time before I stumbled across the writings of one of the world's top Seagalogists. He is a regular on Ain't It Cool News (no wonder I hadn't heard of him), and while I generally avoid that site like I would a dog turd, Vern's reviews really are fantastic. He has a very conversational style, liberally sprinkled with profanity, and avoids most of the cliches you expect from a film review. No hyperbolic praise, cute puns or "it's good if you like that sort of thing" bullshit that somehow manages to see print in the newspapers. His scathing review of Transformers (and modern action films in general) had me in stitches. I swear, when I saw all the positive reviews of that film I thought I was taking crazy pills. Of course it helps that our tastes are very similar, but even when we disagree his reviews are extremely enjoyable to read. He maintains a "web-sight" compiling all of his reviews (on Geocities, if you can believe it) so check them out.

When I heard he had released a book called Seagalogy: The Ass-Kicking Films of Steven Seagal, I knew it was time to take a chance on a book that isn't about giant crabs. Vern could have easily just stuck his existing reviews of Seagal films in a book and called it a day, but he really has done his research. He lays out the themes and motifs that underpin most of Seagal's films, the things that tie all his movies together as a complete body of work. He subscribes to a modification of the auteur theory called the badass auteur theory, where it's the star of the action film (as opposed to the director) that puts his indelible stamp on the film. When you look at all the things that usually crop up in a Seagal film (environmental themes, corrupt CIA agents, ponytails, leather jackets) it's a hard theory to refute.

He divides the films up into four eras. The Golden Era (Above the Law through to Out for Justice), the Silver Era (Under Siege through to Fire Down Below), the Transitional period (The Patriot through to Half Past Dead) and finally the DTV Era (2003-Present). Each film's review is littered with interesting and/or hilarious footnotes and concludes with a brief run-down of the film's important statistics: How much glass is broken, a description of Seagal's character's mysterious past, accuracy of cover art etc. He even covers Seagal's non-film related works such as Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt energy drink and both of his blues albums.

Don't, however, write this book off as some sort of ironic Chuck Norris hipster bullshit. Although it's all done with a wink and a smile, Vern has a serious appreciation and enthusiasm for Seagal's films (and films in general). He doesn't go for the cheap shots (like I do) and make fun of his ponytail, trenchcoats and the fact that he's bloated up like a Microsoft product. Maybe once or twice, but that's it. The book is full of jokes and witty asides, all written in his usual profanity-laden prose, but he also has the ability to actually make you think about a Seagal film, which is quite an accomplishment. It got me wanting to see On Deadly Ground again and that's pretty impressive. Even if you don't care much for Seagal, I'd be surprised if you didn't find something you like about this book. My only criticism is that at nearly 400 pages it's probably a bit too long for most readers, but as a budding Seagalogist I breezed through it in a weekend.

Out of Reach (2004)

No comment necessary

First of all, great title. Three words, following the Seagalian grammatical structure of (adverb) (preposition) (noun). It even has "Out" in the title. Unfortunately, that's about all the good things I can say about the film, except that it's mercifully brief at a scant 82 minute running time.

Things get off to a bad start immediately, with a man who is clearly not Seagal walking through a forest. Oh come on Steve, I understand that you can't throw a spinning roundhouse kick at your age, but surely you can still walk along a forest trail? The real Seagal comes across an injured bird and nurses it back to health (presumably with the same "home cooked jungle juice" he used in The Patriot). During this sequence we hear the disembodied voice of a Polish girl named Irena that Seagal has been contacting through her orphanage's outreach program. Surprisingly, Seagal's letters are narrated by a completely different voice actor. Maybe that's what the Irena imagines Seagal to sound like. Maybe that's what Seagal imagines he sounds like. Or maybe Seagal couldn't be arsed going back to the studio to loop the dialogue. Who knows.

Anyway, Seagal plays William Lansing, an ex-CSA(?) agent turned turned backwoods survivalist and freelance wildlife veterinarian. Of course, it's not long before his shadowy past comes knocking on the door of his self-built log cabin, his former CSA buddies trying to bring him back into the fold. His burnt up CSA pass identifies him as Thomas P. Riker, but they all call him "Billy Ray", and pretty soon they've got him surrounded at gunpoint. If you guessed this ended up with a bunch of unconscious government spooks and Seagal on the run, give yourself a gold star.

If that wasn't bad enough, a human trafficking ring led by Faisal (Matt Schulze) rounds up Irena and a bunch other Polish orphans with the intention selling them off in an international human trafficking ring. Briefly going undercover at the Post Office as a stubbly Frenchman in a girly fur coat (seriously), Seagal acquires a letter from the orphanage stating that Irena won't be able to communicate with him any more. Even though he has no real reason to suspect any foul play, he decides to hop on a plane to Warsaw and see what up. Hilariously, his passport and his former CSA security pass use a photo from his Out for Justice days. Think it might be time for a renewal.

After a few run-ins with the local police, Seagal befriends a pretty Polish police officer named Kaisa (Agneiszka Wagner). Don't worry, he doesn't sleep with her, the closest they get to that is an awkward one-armed half-hug. At one point she gets shot in the shoulder during a gunfight and Seagal performs some impromptu surgery using a butter knife and a hot stove. I don't know why he didn't just take her to the hospital, it's not like they're cons on the run or anything. Nevertheless, I must admit he did an excellent job because she recovers pretty much instantly, just in time for her to be shot in the shoulder again during the final gun battle.

He also befriends an orphan named Nikki who was a friend of Irena. I thought he was a mute until he starts talking about halfway through and nobody cares. Before the final confrontation he sends Nikki and Kaisa across the border to the Czech Republic and Seagal and gives Nikki a goodbye hug. The music swells like we are supposed to be dabbing our eyes or something. Come on, that kid has had about five minutes of screen time and most of that he was picking pockets and chugging vodka from the hotel mini-bar. You've got to earn that music.

Now, through her correspondence with Seagal, Irena has learned about ciphers and cryptology and she uses this knowledge to leave hidden messages for Seagal. Faisal sees her leave these messages and not only does he not destroy them, he goes out of his way to make sure Seagal receives them intact (to the point of having one of his goons stand there guarding a tray of hors d'eouvres that spell out "this is a trap" in code). I think Faisal is supposed to be one of those bad guys who has a bit of a hard-on for hero. He is always talking about "predator" and "prey", trying to make everything he says sound poetic and vaguely menacing, but it usually comes out lame and/or nonsensical. He's also likes giving roses to little girls or setting them on fire (the roses, not the little girls, though I wouldn't put that past him either). He is trying to be a sophisticated villain but he tries way too hard and it falls flat. I bet his henchmen think he's a dick. I feel bad for him.

Obviously Seagal ends up in a climactic fight with Faisal, and in a rare case of injury Seagal gets elbowed in the gut until his vision blurs. The film concludes in a swordfight with Faisal in the courtyard of his all-white castle. It actually looks pretty good, and it's framed like an old samurai film with some attempts at tension and interesting shots with artfully sprayed blood etc. This style could work, Seagal isn't much fatter that Ogami Itto in Lone Wolf and Cub after all, except that Seagal really isn't capable of holding a cool pose or swinging a sword like Tomisaburo Wakayama. Oh well, nice try anyway.

One of the complaints you can make about most of Seagal's Direct-to-Video films holds true here: The film is pretty light on action. There's a big gunfight in a brothel, a pretty cheap-looking set I might add, which is supposed to be the big action setpiece of the film. Seagal uses a secret passage (through the back of the wardrobe, Narnia-style) to gain the upper hand. It's pretty poorly choreographed and edited, it just cuts between two people shooting in slo-mo until one falls over dead. The biggest stunt is a lousy somersault, which is done in slow motion to try and trick you into thinking it's impressive. It's not even Seagal, it's a stunt double. Actually the stunt double gets a lot of screen time, and they do a pretty lousy job of concealing his face. There's even a bit at the Embassy Ball where the bad guys turn a guy around thinking it's Seagal and it's actually the stunt double. I thought it was going to be like that part in Spaceballs: "You idiots, you've captured his stunt double!"

Thankfully the plot is a lot less complicated than some of Seagal's earlier Direct-to-Video films, but there are still a lot of parts that make no sense whatsoever. I guess they tried to fix this up with a lot of post-production voiceover, narrating the thoughts of various characters, even where it doesn't make any sense. There's one scene where Seagal is driving alone in his car while Irena's thoughts are voiced aloud. Is she using telepathy? I don't get it. In another scene a couple of thugs try to attack Seagal in his hotel room, and he ends up beating one unconscious and throwing the other out of a window and onto a car below, in front of a bunch of witnesses. It's never mentioned how or why Seagal explained the incident to the hotel manager or the police, and later we see that he's still staying in the same hotel. I don't think "Yeah, we were having a few drinks and it got a bit out of control, you know how it is" would cut in in this case.

This film was directed by Po-Chih Leong, a Hong Kong director who made the film Hong Kong: 1941 with Chow Yun Fat, a couple of made-for-TV horror films starring Judd Nelson and a whole bunch of other stuff I've never heard of. In 2006 he teamed up with Wesley Snipes for another round of Direct-to-Video action with The Detonator. Out of Reach is pretty disappointing after the one-two punch that was 2003's Belly of the Beast and Out for a Kill. For a while there in late 2003 it looked like Seagal might be a reliable source of dumb-action. Those films had enough silliness to compensate for the shoddy production values and all-around lack of craftsmanship. Unfortunately it seemed those films were just a blip on Seagal's downward spiral.

Voorhees a Jolly Good Fellow - Part 2

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)

As we all know, horror francises are as notoriously hard to kill as Jason himself, and Friday the 13th: A New Beginning was Paramount's attempt to wring some more money from the fans. Okay spoiler coming up, so go and watch the film if you haven't already. Back? Okay, so the killer isn't really Jason but some guy who appeared in the film for about ten seconds making a stupid face. Outfit-wise, he goes for a simple blue jumpsuit with twin breast pockets. The mask also bears different markings than that of the true Jason, and lacks the battle damage sustained during his previous rampages. Under the mask he wears another rubber mask to give him the appearance of the baldy mutant we all know and love. The real Jason does appear in a dream sequence at the beginning of the film, with a cameo by Corey Feldman as Tommy Jarvis. His mask and outfit are more in line with the previous incarnations. In the film's final moments Tommy Jarvis is set up to be the killer in the sequel, as alluded to in The Final Chapter.

Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)

Fans weren't happy with the twist ending in A New Beginning, so in Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives, Paramount wisely decided to pretend it never happened. A fully grown Tommy Jarvis accidentally resurrects Jason's corpse and zombie Jason goes around murdering camp counsellors in the newly reopened Camp Crystal Lake (renamed Forest Green). A nice touch is that throughout the film he steals gear from the people he kills. By the end he has some yellow work gloves, a hunting knife with holster and also a few pouches around his waist. It's like Rob Liefeld's Jason Voorhees. They do a good job with the mask (Tommy had it with him when he dug up Jason, for sentimental purposes I guess), it's pretty much identical to The Final Friday, it even has the crack from the axe blow. He is only briefly seen without his mask at the beginning, and his face is all magotty and rotten, he looks like a zombie from a Lucio Fulci film. Tommy Jarvis ends up sinking him to the bottom of Crystal Lake by chaining a boulder around his neck.

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood tries to mix things up by including a girl named Tina with Carrie-esque telepathic abilities. Said abilities accidentally raise Jason from the depths of the lake and, after his obligatory rampage of death, send him back again. It looks like they tried hard to maintain continuity in this film. His mask has not only the axe wound but also the chunk out of it from Part VI. He still has the chains around his neck from the previous film and his outfit is ragged and torn after being underwater for who knows how long. There's even bones visible where the flesh has rotted away. This looks kind of silly since Jason (played by Kane Hodder) is a hulking behemoth, but good on them for trying to document his decomposition. You get a good look at him without his mask too, and he's probably one of the most elaborate Jasons yet. Yet somehow I don't think this works as well as the previous films. It's just too clean, too sculpted. He looks like a movie monster.

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

With Jason Takes Manhattan the series reaches all new heights of silliness. Jason is resurrected when a underwater electrical cable at the bottom of Crystal Lake is damaged by a couple of teens in a passing yacht. He kills the occupants and appropriates the hockey mask that the guy had used earlier to scare his girlfriend. In a striking attention to detail, the mask even has the axe-wound from Part III. Apparently Crystal Lake is connected to the Eastern seaboard, because the next day Jason hitches a ride on a cruise ship headed for Vancouver... uh, I mean New York. Jason wears an all black outfit, similar to Part VI, except now his gloves are also black and his clothes are miraculously mended. His exposed skin is black and rotten. It's at the end, when the sewers undergo their nightly flushing with toxic waste (whuh?) that we see Jason without his mask. His face is all melty and gross thanks to the toxic waste, but by the end of it he has morphed into a fat little kid in a bathing costume. Lame!

Voorhees a Jolly Good Fellow - Part 1

Jason Voorhees has seen many screen incarnations during his illustrious career, from fucked-up retard kid to fucked-up zombie mutant. In the next few posts I'll be taking a look at some of the ways everyone's favourite slasher has been realised on the silver screen.

Friday the 13th (1980)

As any fan of Friday the 13th knows (or if you've seen Scream), Jason wasn't the killer in the first film. It was revealed to be Pamela Voorhees, Jason's mother, seeking revenge on the fornicating camp counsellors whom she blamed for her son's death. It still might be useful to look at Pamela Voorhees's outfit as a basis for comparison: She opts for a baggy, light-coloured cable-knit jumper with dark pants. Always good to wear loose, comfortable clothing when you're on a killing rampage. Jason does make a brief appearance at the end, dragging Alice to a watery grave. In a dream sequence anyway. In this incarnation Jason is still a little boy, a retard mutant with a fucked up swollen head. He's in bad shape, but he's been in the water for over 20 years so give him a break. Not sure about his outfit. He is either naked or still wearing his swimming trunks.

Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)

Whoops, turns out Jason didn't die after all, which makes Pamela's rampage kind of pointless. If only Pamela could have stumbled across his backwoods shack this whole tragedy could have been averted. He does build a little shrine around her severed head though, which is kind of sweet. Anyway, Jason gets his revenge against the heroine of the first film before returning to Camp Crystal Lake and killing a bunch of teenagers with pitchforks, knives, etc. Bag-head Jason is probably my favourite Jason of all time. I think it's the fact that he's the most recognisably human plus there's just something creepy about a burlap sack with a single eye hole. He goes for the classic working-class ensemble of a checked shirt, denim overalls and workboots. Without his mask we see Jason is a lumpy mutant and while later Jasons were mostly bald, this one has some patchy hair and even a beard. Never trust men with beards, I say. They have something to hide.

Friday the 13th Part III (1982)

Friday the 13th Part III takes place immediately after the conclusion of Part 2. Jason mindlessly kills a whole bunch of people... but this time in 3-D! The technology is put to use in possibly it's best application ever when Jason squeezes a dude's head until his eyeball pops out and flies towards the screen. It's in this sequel that Jason gains his iconic hockey mask, possibly recognising it's benefits of depth perception over his single-eyed sack. Early in the film he kills a couple of store owners and changes outfits. This time he chooses the simple look of a dark blue shirt and some faded jeans, a look that would stick around for some time. Wouldn't it have been funny if he'd picked an "I'm with stupid" t-shirt or something? Sans mask he's still a lumpy mutant, but somewhere between Part 2 and Part 3 he found the time to shave his face/head. Some guys can rock the shaved head like nobody's business, but I don't think Jason pulls it off. Plus he shaved off the eyebrows and that's just fruity.

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)

The rather inaccurately titled Friday the 13th: The Final Friday once again takes place immediately after Part III. After Jason's corpse is taken to the morgue, it leaps off the slab, kills a couple of nurses and heads out to the woods to continue his rampage. I can understand why you would want to start a horror sequel this way, it avoids a lot of tricky continuity issues. However, Jason's rampage has been going on for around four days by now, and groups of horny holidaymakers are still arriving by the carload. Set up some roadblocks or something. Anyway, they did a decent job of maintaining the continuity of the previous film. He bears the bloody axe-wound that supposedly killed him in the previous film, but his mask is slightly different, no longer bearing the red markings on the cheeks. He's also no longer wearing a white t-shirt underneath his blue shirt and his pants look a little different. However, this is probably my favourite maskless incarnation of Jason. He is still recognisably human, but his skin is grey and wrinkly and his teeth are crooked. He also looks wet and slimy, as he should. Tom Savini did the effects, saying he wanted to give Jason the send off he deserved, and he certainly succeeded. Jason gets a machete to the face and then sli-i-ides down the blade and is furiously stabbed to death by Corey Feldman (as weirdo kid Tommy Jarvis). What a way to go.

Into the Sun (2005)

Seagal takes his dates to the nicest places

Into the Sun is one of four 2005 films starring Steven Seagal. It does differentiate itself from the others however, thanks to a more interesting setting (Japan), a greater amount of action and a less confusing plot. The film boasts higher production values than most of Seagal's Direct-to-Video output (it actually got a theatrical release in Japan) and looks colourful and stylish. With the neon signs, pachinko parlours and elephants (the elephants aren't in Tokyo, though) it's nice to look at even when the middle of the movie begins to drag. Between this film and Belly of the Beast, I'm beginning to think that all Seagal films should be filmed in Asia. I'd take the colourful setting of Thailand or Tokyo over the usual depressingly drab Eastern European locations any day of the week.

The film opens with Jungle Action Seagal (tm) and his partner on a mission in Myanmar, spying on heroin smugglers. He breaks cover to stop a girl from being raped, shooting one of the thugs with a silenced rifle and then bafflingly picking up an AK-47 to shoot the other, alerting everyone to his presence. The two of them manage to escape, but Seagal's partner is fatally wounded as the helicopter lifts off. Seagal quits in disgust.

When a Japanese governor is assassinated by a gang of Yakuza punks, Homeland Security (with a vague reference to "terrorism") calls the CIA who calls the FBI who call Travis Archer, sword saleman and freelance CIA agent. Seagal has tackled characters with a wide variety of professions; ex-CIA chef, ex-CIA doctor, ex-CIA CIA agent, but ex-CIA sword salesman? There's a profession with a truly Seagalian potential for violence.

Soon after arriving Seagal runs into the Yakuza punks at a marketplace, where he puts a half dozen of them in the hospital. One of the group cuts off his little finger in an act of contrition, and Kuroda, the Yakuza boss, just tosses it in the bin and shoots him in the head. What a bastard! You see, these young turks have no regard for proud Yakuza traditions. They're even teaming up with the Tongs to try and consolidate their power. The old guard are very unhappy with these young upstarts, and pretty soon the young punks are assassinating the old Yakuza in an attempt to take over Tokyo.

During his investigations, Seagal has a few brief conversations with a waitress named Nayako. Now, I figured they were just friends. He says "I love you", but I figured it was some sort of father/daughter type relationship, since she's half his age, maybe younger. Boy was I surprised when all of the sudden he proposes to her in a park full of cherry blossoms. Then they queasily consummate their relationship is a rather chaste bedroom scene (there's some sideboob, but Seagal wears a baggy shirt). Anyway, in a Seagal film that's as good as painting a target on your forehead, and sure enough a Yakuza punk slices her open with a sword. He even steals the antique comb that Seagal gave her. Well, that's all the motivation Seagal needs to head to Kuroda's renovated temple and slice some fools.

Although Asian themes have always been a part of Seagal films, this is first time when swords have been so important to the plot. Usually Seagal just finds one hanging on the wall of the villain's house. There's even a reference to Yojimbo where Seagal kills three or four punks and then wrecks up the place. Although in Yojimbo he was trying to make it look like they were killed by a gang of assailants, here it doesn't make any sense. Despite the fact that the Yakuza punks laugh at the idea of anyone carrying a sword in this day and age, by the climax of the film it seems every young punk is packing a blade. Seagal probably carves up a dozen Yakuza, along with the help of former student Mei Ling (Pace Wu) and tattoo artist Kawamura (Daisuke Honda). It's pretty violent, and the paper screens, spurting blood and gruesome sound effects call to mind Kill Bill, if not the bloody chambara films that inspired it.

So, there's a higher amount of hand-to-hand combat than in a lot of Seagal's recent films. Seagal even gets kicked in the head and through a table, a rare case of Seagal actually being injured (not that it amounts to anything, he shrugs it off instantly). Seagal's climactic battle with Kuroda could probably be longer and makes copious use of stunt doubles, but it's pretty good. The rest of the film is Seagal going from place to place and chatting with various Japanese/Chinese contacts at fancy nightclubs. In one club there's a pretty lousy comedian on stage but there's also a couple of topless women swimming in a fish tank so it all evens out.

Seagal is also saddled with a rookie field agent named Mack. There's a bit of fish-out-of-water humour, but this isn't the buddy picture you might expect. During the fight at the marketplace, Mack gets nervous and there's an AD (Accidental Discharge). In any other action film it might have been laughed off, but here it's treated like the huge fuckup it is and Seagal gets really pissed off. So while Seagal fraternises with the locals he tells Mack to go do some covert surveillance at the fish market. Of course, Mack fucks up again, rooting around in a glass-fronted office that overlooks the entire fish market. Eventually he gets captured and murdered by the Yakuza and Seagal doesn't even know or care where he is for the rest of the film.

The cast is a mixture of Chinese and Japanese actors. The Tong leader Chen is played by Ken Lo, an actor with quite an impressive list of roles in Hong Kong film. I was really excited to see Chiaki Kuriyama (from Battle Royale and Kill Bill), but her appearance was just a ten second cameo. Seagal speaks Japanese sometimes, but other times the conversations will go back and forth with Seagal speaking English and the other person speaking Japanese. Julliete Marquis plays a lollipop-sucking CIA agent called Jewel who follows Seagal around for the entire film, only to show up at the end to spray the aftermath of Seagals battle with a blue goo that destroys DNA evidence.

Into the Sun is directed by a mink, and I must say he/she does very well for a ~1kg semi-aquatic mammal. Oh wait, no, it's the name of a music video director. Despite the unassuming lower case name, mink actually lends quite a nice look to the film. The camera work is energetic, but it never overwhelms the plot or the action, which is something I wish I could say about most music video turned film directors. This is by far the best Seagal film of 2005.

The Foreigner (2003)

Another bad guy falls victim to Seagal

The Foreigner was originally destined for theatrical release but was shelved when Today You Die tanked and eventually it was dumped Direct-to-Video. That was probably for the best. Steven Seagal plays Jonathan Cold, a lone-wolf CIA agent (no surprises there) who is partnered with the weasely Dunoir (Max Ryan) and tasked to deliver a mysterious package. When they get to the farmhouse where the package is being stored, they are abushed by Danish agents and barely escape with their lives. In an action scene that sets the tone for the rest of the film, pulsing techno and oodles of slow motion and camera trickery accompany every pissy little stunt, trying to fool the audience into thinking something exciting is happening. It's really rather embarassing.

So it turns out that Dunoir is actually a bad guy (he's a heavy smoker, a dead giveaway) and wants the package for himself. I can't remember who he is working for because the film is utterly incomprehensible. It is one of those films where everybody talks in cryptic terms about their "employer" and usually double and/or triple crosses them by the end anyway. Dunoir is probably the worst secret agent ever, needlessly shooting CIA bigwigs, maids, hotel clerks and random Polish Porsche-owners. He miraculously survives a number of deaths himself, including being blasted through a second-story window by two successive shotgun blasts (he is wearing a flak jacket, you see), barely outrunning an enormous explosion and being shot in the chest by Seagal (flak jacket again). In the end he gets a very Seagalian arm break before being killed.

During his adventures Seagal runs afoul of a number of competing agents, including a stylish American fellow named Mr. Mimms, an eloquent British assassin and a whole bunch of other boring European villians. The masterminds behind the whole operation are wealthy couple Jerome and Meredith Van Aken, although each have their own motives and you are kept in the dark about who the true villian is until the very end. Not that you'll care. The film tries to compensate for a thin plot by throwing in so many twists, turns and side characters that you'll give up trying to make sense of it long before it limps over the finish line. I suppose multiple viewings could aleviate some of the confusion, but good luck with that, I could barely sit through it once.

Seagal keeps the bad guys off his back with secret agent trickery, such as exploding a railway station with a phony package and tossing a compact disc stuck with plastic explosives at a guy, blasting him through a window and into the river. So I guess most of his tricks involve things exploding, but some of the explosions are quite impressive. The biggest ones are accompanied by a very Bond-esque horn section instead of the annoying techno.

There's also a part where Seagal and Dunoir briefly team up to infiltrate the Van Aken estate (this is the second time Seagal has done so, if I were Van Aken I'd fire my security detail). Dunoir pulls out his pistol to shoot a group of nearby guards before saying "Fuck it. I'll use the rifle" and bizarrely shooting them all with a sniper rifle at near point blank range. I couldn't understand his decision until later, when he attempted to shoot Seagal in the back, only to find that Seagal had given him an empty pistol. That's the kind of half-assed storytelling we are dealing with here.

There's a fair bit of action in this film for Direct-to-Video, lots of gunfire and explosions, but annoying editing ruins most of it. Seagal only gets into a couple of fistfights and they are laughably poor. His fight with Mr. Mimms is supposed to resemble "sticky hands" kung fu but looks more like two Soccer moms squabbling over a sale item. He has no love interest, but when he is introduced a hot French redhead (less than half his age) is dressing in his hotel room. Seagal himself is fully clothed, since by this time he'd started to bloat up with an orange tan and frizzy hair.

This is one of Seagal's earliest Direct-to-Video efforts and despite a poor reception it established the template for many Seagal films to follow: convoluted plots, drab cinematography, dreary locations and long Seagal-free stretches where boring side characters talk-talk-talk in secret agent cliches. Someone, somewhere must have been clamouring for the further adventures of Jonathan Cold, because he reprised the role in 2005 with Black Dawn.