Wednesday, 2 January 2008

Guy N. Smith Book Review - Cannibals

Happy New Year! I'm back reviewing another masterpiece from the prolific Guy N. Smith.

Some idiot Scot named Doug Geddis builds holiday homes right next to some mountain caves which house mutant cannibals. As a result the villagers shun him, and I can't really blame them. Doug's solution to the cannibal problem is to issue his guests cryptic warnings about staying off the slopes and confined to their chalet after dark. Even without the mutants, Invercurie seems the worst holiday spot in Scotland, and that's saying something.

However, this doesn't stop happy holiday-makers from streaming in. First up are Eddie and Sarah. Eddie is an older, married man having an affair with one of his students, so straight away we know they are cannibal chow.

Next are the Halseys. These people are really determined to have a holiday. They are not deterred by sullen villagers issuing veiled threats. They don't even budge when the family dog gets torn to pieces during the night. They only start to worry when their son disappears up on the mountain slopes (eaten by cannibals, natch). I'll say one thing for Guy N. Smith, he isn't shy about knocking off a few kids here and there.

A cop named Phil shows up in search of his philandering brother Eddie (who by this time is resting in the stomachs of hungry cannibals) and straight away we know he's the hero. A couple of mutant-fodder teenagers show up, their names don't matter. After a run-in with the cave mutants, a few of them confront Doug and eventually he spills the beans. There is a reason the villagers are so cagey about the cave-dwellers. It seems that many years ago people began giving birth to horrible mutants, so they dumped them in some mountain caves, dusted off their hands and called it a day. Sounds like a good plan to me!

Unfortunately it seems the mutants produce horrible offspring faster than Guy N. Smith produces horrible books. The mutants have outgrown their food supply and have started making nocturnal visits to the village in search of food. Now, angered by the holiday-makers, hungry cannibals rush down the mountain slopes and the village erupts into an orgy of violence.

There's something I love about cave-dwelling mutant cannibals. Caves are pretty spooky at the best of times, but add in mutants and I am one happy camper. Guy N. Smith pulls out all his typical tricks, padding out the body count with incidental characters. The good Reverend Macpherson is introduced and offed in just over 10 pages... a sad fate for any literary character. This one was a fun, trashy read and worth it for any fans of mutants, cannibals or Scottish villagers who say things like "On yer ain head be it".

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